Monday, November 29, 2010

Pretentious Douchebags!!!

We all know one. We all hate one.

Pretentious douchebags - the worst of all the douchebags (before this would be the Starbucks douchebags). Philosophers the world over contemplates on their existence. Statisticians worry on their increasing population. The military plans on their eradication, and bloggers...well.. bloggers rant on why one is sitting right next to them (good job breaking the rhyme).

How do we exactly detect and categorize one to be included in this group. While some might say the definition of a "pretentious douchebag" is subjective, I think most will agree with what I will list below. (For the sake of my fragile, china porcelain fingers, I shall refer to Pretentious Douchebags as "PD").

PD # 1 - Gadget PDs
That's right. The scum of the technological world. Their script: "I bought 3 IPads from the mall and threw it out of the window, for no reason. While I upload some new pics of me and my cat on my 84 websites and social networking profiles, I'll just play some sex-themed music on my monster D-Bag 2000 Stereo Surround Sound Stereo while I send a tweet to my 7 followers" 

The girlfriend-less scum portrays all their majestic douchebaggery to compensate for the fact that they can never talk to a woman in a bar, and that they never go to bars.

PD# 2 - The Big Words PDs
They sound like Noah Webster being forced to eat page after page of his newly edited dictionary. Their script: "My neurotransmitters are situated as echelons while I divulge to my audience what my cognitive processes mainly focuses on at the moment, the quintessence of my mind: my speech. Also, what I just said did not make sense and I just wanted to impress a dozen of other PDs."

Seriously, what's up with the heavy words? No one thinks your cool, no one thinks you will ever be cool. Whatever you do in life, you will never, ever be cool. That is why you have to stop using those words.

PD# 3 - The Newly-Elected PDs
Somehow, these PDs got elected or appointed in some sort of office. That is why their PD meter grows exponentially high. Their script: "As the newly elected undersecretary of the undersecretary of the Society for the Appreciation of the Yellowness of Mustard, I would like to say, I deserve this so much, and you did the right thing of electing me. Now, I shall officially start ignoring you because I am now formally and on legal documents considered "better than you".

Believe me. I know a lot of these PDs. Those people who suddenly become your BFFs because they see you as one big walking ballot for various beauty contests or elections and ignore you when they win.

Okay, I'm gonna end it here.

So, aside from what I have listed here, what other PDs can you think of? Place it on the comment section below.

(got the photo from photobucket)

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

What smoking actually looks like

(Again, I do not intend to offend smokers. I got friends who are smokers. This is a sarcastic, satirical criticism on the habit, not on the smoker. Yeah, but still...)

I have recently discovered some facts that may possibly not surprise a lot of you people (so much for an opening). It's about smoking.  It is the deadliest habit in the world. Apparently it accounts for 5 million deaths a year, according to WHO. This also makes the vice the second deadliest thing ever seen in our planet, coming close to nuclear wedgie. These facts are indeed frightening. That is why we tend to ask why a lot of people still do it.

I know why. It is because it is almost a religion, focusing on its most valued verse: Smoking is Kewl!

You see, smoking has been repeatedly advertised as the ultimate cool thing.

Let me show you a simple scenario:
Jack smokes in the alley, a beautiful woman passes by. This is what Jack thinks the woman thinks when she sees him: "Ohhhh, how noble and erect this young man is? That cigarette he wields is as the swords of a million shining knights. And the smell, oh the smell. If Utopia had air conditioning, this would be the exact ecstatic scent. Blow unto my face, young lad"

But then again, all of this is delusion. This is what smoking actually looks like. This is what the beautiful woman actually thinks: Oh crap, another one who thinks smoking is cool. Not only is it not cool, it's also very 1980s. I mean, really? And the smell, don't mention the smell. Its like halitosis and Diarrhea made out and had babies.

Guys, its not too late to quit. I have found a wikihow article on how to quit smoking that might help a lot.

Its not too late to see that it's not cool either. See, Darth Vader does not smoke. Mr. T does not smoke. I do not smoke. Non-smoking is the new heavy metal. And I have also heard somewhere that smoking may be related to erectile dysfunction. If limp is the new cool then I say go do whatever you want.

If you still believe smoking is "cool", let this be an eye opener:

Damn right, Robert Pattinson smokes.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Why I hate hallways

My college building is nothing but hallways. My college building has actually won awards for its prolific construction of hallways. College buildings from faraway lands have heard of the tales of my college building hallways. Minstrels sang songs about the legend of my college building hallways.

The college building did not have hallways before. But when they heard I was going to enroll in the university and learned about my lifetime hatred of hallways. They decide to construct hallways. Story of my life.

I despise hallways. Things get really sucky in the hallways. Here are my reasons:

1) The hallway camera gals: The witches of hallway-land. They wait for you, on your tardiest moments. They watch out for you, rushing to your class like a desperate doe yearning for the lake. Then, when the Asher and the witches meet in the hallway, they bring out these devices, called "cameras" by the wise. One witch goes to the left wall of the hallway with the said device, and the remaining witches pose in a rather lustful manner. Then the device flashes out bright light that captures the moment. As you awkwardly wait for them to finish, they laugh in victory, for they have stalled you victoriously. And when you think they are done, they pose some more, leaving you in agony and defeat.

2) The "May I steal a few minutes of your time" dudes: The taboo of the hallway. One must not speak of the "9 words" question. Most importantly, one must not answer "Yes" to the question. If you have already answered affirmatively, then it is too late for you. But for some who will be in future risk, I must warn you. The "few minutes" they propose is actually equivalent to a precious eternity. Then you will have to face the excruciating offers for free toenail products, polls and surveys on "Which is sexier: Edward Cullen's earwax or Harry Potter's nose hair", and opinions on how armpit odor contribute to global warming. You have been warned.

3) S#it, that's my CRUSH: Damn right, its your crush. This is most unfortunate, especially on days when you decide to wear nothing but Tweety boxers to class (wait...thats just me?), and you see your crush, elegantly frolicking down hallway with...with man-arms around her. I should have worn Snoopy boxers that day.

What do you hate most about hallways?

Monday, September 20, 2010

I have to squeeze the lemon!

In the most urgent of times, nature always gives me the unfortunate urge of wanting to pee. I mean, really? I was just in the middle of a World War III scenario, battling Martian overlords when:

Martian Overlord: aUEFhhfhIHEUh! bubabdIDoKWn!

General Asher: Okay, bro! I do not have any idea of what you just said, but I really have to pee!

Martian Overlord: heUhAfkuefbUA! UhfehiAiAI! Laser Gun - *zaaaap* *ziiiiing* *yodel*

General Asher: *epic fail* ...but still wants to pee.

Why does our excretory system vie for the busiest, most not-time-to-pee moments ever? I mean, we all need to concentrate on important events in our lives. These important events might change our future, and the future of the whole mankind. That is why, we do not have the time to pee.  If you think your daily habit of chewing cigarette butts will help you change the economic advancement of Madagascar for the better, then peeing should not interfere.

I also blame technology. In this fast paced technological age of ours, we do not have the time anymore to satisfy our peeing urges. Why haven't we invented of something that will maybe postpone our peeing urges. You know, something like an IPee.

Pictured above is a urinal at the International Space Station. See, even peeing disturbs our astronomers from floating and stuff.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Attention Millions of People: Ashton Kutcher's Taking a Crap

You know Twitter, right? The site where people update other people on what they are up to. Apparently, a lot of people use it, with 190 million users, and it is currently ranked by Alexa as the 11th most popular website.

 Makes me wonder. Why is Twitter popular? Probably because of very profound tweets, like this:

jackSPANKME: @p0rndude-R-us0901 Dude, last night was aweSOME!!  watching #porn and startrek in mom's basement, best nayt EVAR!!!

Now that is an eye-opener. People like to show other people that they are single. But it still does not explain a lot about Twitter's popularity.

jackSPANKME: haha, I got a stolen shot of @porndude-R-us0901 snorting cocaine on top of a hooker

Okay, so people apparently like to show cherished pictures of their daily activities. It seems like they want to share and preserve valuable memories for the generations to come by tweeting pictures. Wait, I'm still not convinced. Maybe its the celebrities on Twitter.

therealjackSPANKME: as an actor/director/pantyhose recycling advocate, i would like to say thanks to all my 9 followers. I am here at the set of my latest movie, ATTACK OF THE GIANT #BIEBER

Sure, celebrities on Twitter. Still not enough. How about celebrities who seem like normal human beings on their tweets.

therealjackSPANKME: just ate a whole can of wasabi and downed it with lemon juice. Now on the toilet having a major #crap! 

That answers it! People like to think that celebrities are normal people just like them. They also eat whole cans of wasabi, and more importantly, they also crap! People like to think there is not much difference between him and celebrities so that they can still have the hope of being celebrities themselves.

So I now have a conclusion: Twitter is popular because it makes celebrities appear like normal people, so they can identify themselves with average Joes worldwide. It gives the impression to normal people that they can also be celebrities, just like them (concealing the fact that celebrities are really aliens who had come to hypnotize the people before the extraterrestrial invasion arrives). 

What do you think? Why is Twitter popular? Aside from my theory above, what else do you think made Twitter popular?

To get updates on how I despise Twitter, follow me on Twitter: Go to the side bar and look for the Twitter section.

Hey, always check the sky for the mother ship okay. Just in case.

(dude, the ashton kutcher on the title is only in reference on the fact that he has the most number of followers. he did not actually tweet about crap. come on man.)

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

yah, that's right!

I am working on a video blog. Not that you really care, but I think you do, you do, don't you. Please do.

I will be posting it perhaps this week so forgive me for not updating my blog for like a century. I will still be regularly posting blog posts and I hope it will also work with video blogging. (its called VLog, old man asher)

Okay! Stay awesome, wear a condom!

Monday, May 31, 2010

A loser's guide to dating women

Dating has always been a problem for losers, century after century after century. Not that they always venture on the art of dating, but when they do, they always fail hard on the floor. This may in time lead to a series of devastating effect. The propagation of losers will be halted if this problem continues. Who will be the losers of the future, huh? Who would our grandchildren tease in gym class. Also, the video game industry will subside drastically, together with the knitted vest, comic book and root beer industry. That is why, me, a very concerned citizen has created the ultimate dating guide for losers. (I believe the word "loser" is politically incorrect in some tribes, but I think of the word as someone who just hasn't won yet).

Let us follow Jack McSurname in his quest to find ultimate love, and maybe with this guide you'll get one too.

Dating Guide 1: Jack McSurname is a loser, and the closest thing to love that he knows is the stray frogs he hunts at the local pond, which he kisses one by one every midnight. Now, we shall help him find love. And where is the coolest place to find love for a loser like Jack? That is right, avid reader, dating sites. My first tip for Jack and to all guys out there is to surf different adult dating sites. Still, that wouldn't be enough. Jack should create a convincing profile:

NAME: Jack hOt4ss McSurname (the nickname is a total hit)
AGE: 18 (we had to make him 25 years younger, didn't we).
SEX: Whatever you want me to be, babe (we have to make him sound witty and sexy at the same time. Women, and apparently men like those kinds of things).
PROFESSION: Lion Tamer (of course we know Jack is in fact working in a pantyhose recycling facility, but that isn't "dating site cool." Now lion tamer, that is definitely cool!
HOBBIES AND ACTIVITIES: Everything that makes me sweat and look like a jock (this is to summarize all the things he would NEVER ever do. He's allergic to his own sweat).

Now to polish the profile further, we have to put a profile picture. Yeah, but we cannot possibly place his real face there, please. That is why I have another solution, male anime pictures. Placing secretive anime pictures make Jack sexy and mysterious.

Now, search for hot and eligible girls from the said dating site. Don't fuss if all of their profile pictures are either side view, black and white, taken in front of a bathroom mirror, or the face practically not wholly visible. They do it to create suspense and mystery, just as what you are doing with the anime pic. If you are done picking, PM them and let the first date begin!

Dating Guide 2: Now here comes the date, I'm pretty sure Jack is so damn excited and nervous of this upcoming event. Now here is the ultimate tip that I might give to Jack and to all readers today; Just be yourself. Of course, I know it is totally different from your dating site profile. But, how are you going to fake 3-time Olympic gold medalist in real life? 

Now, before going to the big day, Jack must try being in the latest fashion. That only means one thing; Pants on the ground! Jack can wear any jeans he has, use strings as belt, put inside his pocket a variety of chains and stuff, wear it up to his knees, and there you go. Pants on the ground. If you like to uphold to your anime pic then go cosplay style. Don't mind your flabby fat popping out of your sailor moon costume. At least you are kewl!

Dating Guide 3: It is time to meet her, the woman who might change the future of Jack's life. Now Jack, be cool. The first thing to do is to greet her with your remarkable fluency in Klingon. 

 yIn tIq 'ej chep

Check for signs. If she is raising an eyebrow, do not worry. It is a sign that she is amazed by your fluency. Now take her to one of your favorite restaurants, TGIF (Thank Google I'm a Freak). Get the specialty, "Spock's Foot in Voldemort sauce". I am sure she will enjoy it so much that she will spit and vomit all of it, believing her tongue is not worthy of such great food.

If you want to converse, just start with the usual things you talk about. Your date's vomit can be one,

 "You should take the Facebook quiz, What does your vomit color tell about your dog's personality' "

Give the martian waiter a large tip to impress your date. An autographed picture of yourself  in Cosplay could be one.

Now to leave your date with a gift, give her something she will treasure her entire life. How about one of your collectibles, like Adolf Hitler's stool sample. Believe me, she'll love it so much she'll forget to bring it home.

Remember these things: If she leaves you in the middle of the date, that just means she has been awestruck by your incredible aura. If she slaps you, that means she can't get her hands off of you. Now you'll be able to say to yourself, who is the loser now huh? Look at you, Jack McSurname, what a stud!!

As always, Live long and prosper! And don't call her again, like forever. She doesn't have a number, right?

*above is a Google image

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Ten signs your mom is a heavy metal rock star by night

Rock. The very word brings a whole series of emotions. It definitely brings joy to our very cool and busy geologists, while it also brings paranoia puree to conservative parents. To us young people, its the very definition of music.

Your mom had probably at least once scolded you for listening to "trash." Is this a genuine warning against rock and its close cousins sex and drugs or is it a strategy to sway you from the truth that might shock your ass off and change the future breakfasts you'll have.

Your mom is a heavy metal rock star. Wait, wait, do not update your Facebook status of how cool you are just yet. You must confirm the suspicion with these signs. Is cheese not the only thing your mom can shred?

1. She hordes eyeliners because "it is cheaper."

2. She uses screamo to wake you up for school every morning.

3. Your Aunt Phyllis is indeed her lead guitarist.

4. You constantly see her putting mothballs in her closet. That is to disperse the marijuana smell her clothes get from her underground concerts.

5. She kinda looks like a member of Edward Cullen's family.

6. She tucks you in bed too early, so she can rock!

7. Her apron is autographed by Ozzy Osbourne.

8. She sings sweet lullabies to you, courtesy of songs from Black Sabbath and Dio.

9. She signs her checkbook with her blood.

10. She fixes "funny" pancakes.

Rock on!

Friday, May 14, 2010

Justin Bieber is the Antichrist

You must be very familiar with a phenomenon in pop culture where people, especially conspiracy theorists brand other people as the Antichrist, the resurrection of Hitler, the fifth Teletubby, etc. Titles used are commonly and practically anything that may shock us Internet geeks. Victims may be celebrities who are quickly climbing the ladder of fame, newly elected Popes, too-damn-rich TV hosts, and world leaders. I was not surprised Obama was labeled as the Antichrist, and I am surprised Justin Bieber still hasn't been labelled as someone threatening or peculiar (if he is the fifth teletubby, Tinky Winky will be threatened). 

If Justin Bieber is to be branded by the conspiracy theorists as the Antichrist, then a series of conspiracy theories follows. He would blacklist every anti-Justin Bieber fan page on Facebook. His song "Baby" would probably and apparently contain subliminal message to hypnotize today's youth. Oh no! 

That would be pretty weird, yet pretty convincing. Just look how manly Justin Bieber is. Chuck Norris would be embarrassed before this man. His iron fist terrifies many as he sings the intro for the new and sucky version of "We are the World." 

Then again, Justin Bieber does not know where Germany is, so I doubt the premise once more.

Why do they brand famous people as such. I know a Psychology term used for the paranoia in this context, but I cannot find it in my dusty search engine of a brain. This suggests I should review my major a little. There are a lot of questions bothering my mind. Why is Justin Bieber famous? Does Oprah operate her own religion with Dr. Phil as the head?

And the question that bothers me most: Who would be the fifth member of the Teletubbies?

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Practical ways to deal with an annoying classmate

Having problems with a classmate? Worry no more! This blogger, who happens to be one of the leading experts on those kinds of crap, has come up with a few practical ways to deal with an annoying classmate.

Now, it will all depend on how the classmate annoys you. (From now on, we shall call the annoying classmate "Jacques")

Annoying stuff 1: The math teacher asks for the value of x. Your classmate Jacques raises his hand and begins to detail the philosophical background of mathematics and the genealogy of Isaac Newton's chihuahua.

How to deal with crap: Stand up and shout - "Shut up loser, you obviously don't know the answer!" Believe me, your teacher will thank you for it.

Annoying stuff 2: It's a Literature exam, Jacques sits beside you and extends his neck like a freaking giraffe over your paper.

How to deal with crap: Always be prepared for cheating classmates. Get an old fashion magazine and tear a page. Use it as a fake exam paper, so that whenever he leans towards your paper, he sees Katherine Heigl. I assume he is dumb enough to believe that Perez Hilton is the most famous character of Ernest Hemingway. After all, he cheats.

Annoying Stuff 3: You try to impress girls in school with your collection of dead cockroaches, but your classmate Jacques tries to steal the spotlight by bringing his collection of famous people's boogers.

How to deal with crap: Try to prove the authenticity of your collection by letting the girls touch and smell the dead cockroaches. Worry not if Jacques tries to do the same, no one would want to touch and smell people's boogers. I mean, Eeew!

Practical solutions to socio-educational annoyances. Good day. I'm off to class.

Friday, April 23, 2010

She bit me in the ass: A guide to zombie apocalypse survival

Do you believe in the possibility of a zombie apocalypse? I sure do.

Most of you normal people may not have thought of the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. For me, there was never a week I did not sit on a chair and think "Whoa, a zombie attack would be pretty inconvenient" (I really have a hectic schedule). At first, when the walking zombies (I'm looking at you Mia Jovovich) were still dominating the zombie movie industry, I was like "What's up with you, man? You can dance the 'locomotion' in their midst and they still wouldn't get you." Then they created the...wait for it... running zombie!

Would you survive a zombie apocalypse? What should we really do in case of a zombie attack.

I have compiled from all over my brain, (its a pretty wide search engine) things to do in a zombie apocalypse. First, when the crazies on the street start to hang those cardboards of doom over their necks, believe them and give them money for crack. Next, if the news starts to show zombie waves in varying regions in your country, pay attention and do not make love, talk to the telephone or party while the news is running. That is if you don't want to wake up the next morning with dentures sunk on your neck, and a hangover.

The next one is to prepare yourself for the invasion. In classic zombie movies, the whole neighborhood always turns into zombies except you. Being lucky enough to be the protagonist, what should you do? There are two choices: The first one is locking yourself in. Close all windows and doors and reinforce them, for extra protection. The flaw in this plan is that 84% of people who had tried locking themselves in their houses from zombies forget the backdoor.

The second plan is to get your car out of the garage and sweep the neighborhood streets. The flaw in this plan is that you tend to lose diesel, and zombies from gas stations are the most vicious zombies, according to the "What type of capitalist zombie are you" quiz from Facebook. If you ask me, a survivor of two zombie attacks, I would go for the second choice.

And speaking of Facebook, you should always update your status, so do not forget to bring your laptops and secure your mobiles.

        Jack McSurname oMg I jUst cUt oFf a zOmbiE aRm!...! iT's sTilL wRigGliNg iN dA tRunK...

That way you will be able to notify your Facebook friends. That is if they haven't turned into zombies yet. And also, expect that 88 percent of your tweeter followers are now infected, so no one will read your latest tweet anymore:

        jackSpANKME @paris_heeltoe1355 you just bit a chunk off my ass. but I'm okay...thought you should know! damn #zombies!!!

After running away from your neighborhood, find uninfected people. There is power in numbers. You can all find shelter, where you can build a reinforcement and wait for the military to rescue you. Be sure to judge a suitable shelter based on its survival benefits, not because it has an indoor swimming pool, or else you'll be swimming in blood, and probably a zombie lifeguard's blood at that. However, do not be overdependent to your buddies, even if they are man enough to face the horde. I don't care if your new found boyfriend is as manly and brave as Justin Bieber, you can all still get in deep trouble if you do not retain a sense of independence. Having clumsy buddies by your side is actually an advantage. When they trip and become food for the zombies, they buy you time to escape. Remember, there is wisdom in cowardice. Also, be wary of the people you meet. Zombies sometimes pose like the uninfected to attract people, and morons are tastier to them, so be on alert. Resist them, even if one looks like Megan Fox without the half of her face. Remember this: They all look like half-faced Megan Foxes.

Now, good luck finding rescue. If you'll excuse me, I have to pee.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

You don't eat chocolate? What are you, Mayan?

Chocolates are one of the best things in the world. If aliens invaded our planet the first thing I will store in my basement is the brown stuff, lots and lots of brown stuff. And when the time comes when they aliens have to disintegrate me, I would lose my atoms happily and at peace (jeez, what a nerd). I am glad I am not one of those allergic to the sweet stuff. It would be like having allergy to oxygen, and that would be like a major hassle.

Chocolates are awesome. It is the most popular flavor in the world. Yes, when TV shows ice cream, it sounds dull, but chocolate ice cream - divine. We also have chocolate cookies, chocolate acne cleanser, chocolate caviar and even chocolate-scented bubblewraps.

However delicious chocolates could be, it should NEVER be given to a girl. Giving chocolates to girls is the most desperate thing a guy can do. Yes, girls find it sweet, and by "it" I mean the chocolate. Giving her chocolate is like resorting to biological means to get her to love you and that is just not right. 84 percent of guys who had "won" their partner's heart end up in divorce. Why is that, you might ask. It is because girls fall in love with the chocolate, not with guy. It is only the sensual feeling they get from chocolates that makes them "fall in love" (Wow, I am really great at dating and romance advice).

The chocolate business is currently a 50 billion dollar industry, mostly because of the geniuses stated above. It is produced by an oligopoly called the "Big Chocolate". 

Behind the divine chocolate taste lies the bitter controversy of massive child labor related to chocolate manufacturing. No, Jack, I am not talking about Charlie and how he owned Willy Wonka's factory. It is a widespread slavery in western Africa, where 10 percent of the total chocolate labor force were kidnapped from their own homes.

And one last tip, and this one is true: Do not feed your pet chocolate. It's toxic to them. Man, they don't know what they're missing.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Ten signs your shrink is crazier than you

(I would use the word "Psychiatrist" if it wasn't too damn long, so please allow me to use the more popular name - shrink. And also, ummmm, this is sarcastic.)

Have you ever been to a shrink? If your answer is yes, that means you have had some issues (which I am not going to meddle with, because I know it's private, and I really don't care.) You have probably been on one of those couches, and while staring at an Edward Cullen poster on the shrink's ceiling (he believes it to be therapeutic), you must have been asked a series of personal questions, relevant to your state of mind, such as "Have you been intimate to a squid for the last forty-eight hours?"

After all those $500 per hour sessions (plus the $600 night club visits if the shrink was not enough), how do you know for sure if the shrink himself is mentally stable to listen to your rants. How do you know if he isn't crazier than thou? These are the ten signs your shrink is crazier than you.

1. "The thigh bone connected to the knee bone" is something he should not say.

2. The biggest certificate on his wall is "Apple County Hotdog Eating Champion."

3. He sells you Sigmund Freud action figures.

4. He always holds a tobacco.

5. His conclusion to all your failed relationships is "He/she must be the Antichrist."

6.  He cancels your shrink session to attend his own shrink session.

7. He calls you "Depression Dude."

8. He has three pictures on his wall: Sigmund Freud, Dr. Phil and Ozzy Osbourne

9. He pays real and genuine attention to your problems.

10. He lets you read my blog.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

There's someone outside the car, Jack.

I'm a fan of zombie stuff: zombie books, movies, songs, games, drinks (drinks?). I'm also a fan of the ultimate zombie, George Romero. And though I know how cheesy some of them might be (blah blah blah), hypothetical zombie apocalypse scenarios always excite me. There is just something about the sub-genre that gives me more thrill than other apocalyptic scenarios.

Basically, there are two types of fictional zombies. The first one is the mystical zombie. To clear things out, I'm not a fan of this type of zombie. I'm a fan of the second one, the scientific zombie. Whether be it from a virus, a special rabies case, or a shortage of the latest Robert Pattinson poster (whoever he is), unwary humans will be turned into the most vicious killers. And unlike the "traditional" zombies who walk to the rhythm of Pachelbel's Canon, these modern

Please rate my geekiness, one being the lowest and five the highest.

To finish, I'll leave a small fact: Did you know that the University of Alabama offers a brief course on "The Living Dead in Literature, Film and Culture"? Of course you don'

Sunday, April 11, 2010

The thigh bone connected to the knee bone

Doctor. It is the second coolest career ever, next to being in Hollywood (and acting as a doctor.) This is one of the things I want to be after eight years, aside from being a Hollywood star, President of the Philippines, spy for the CIA and/or rock star. I've always wanted to say, "You don't snort the pills Mrs. Doris, you drink them with your mouth" and other significant medical advice.  I also want to be able to distinguish and memorize the different colors of phlegm and say the most famous and respected phrase of doctors worldwide. - "say ahhh" And, how awesome would I look like with that metal thingy around my neck.

Why do I want to be a doctor, seriously? I believe that doctors are one of the most significant people in the world. They save lives, help sick people, and give away tongue depressors. I believe that being a doctor is one of the noblest thing to do, and I want to be included in that group of noble people. Doctors are living evidences that compassion and sympathy still exist in our world, and though none of those words really fit me that well, I still want to be a doctor, because believe it or not, my sarcastic heart also has its soft side (that can also win elections.) Doctors are like French fries, if it didn't exist the world would cease to exist.

But there is one common enemy that threatens doctors. Apples. They keep doctors away. They leave them unemployed. Darn that apple, you can do it to Adam, but you cannot do it to the rest of the doctors. 

Thursday, April 8, 2010

You have armpit lice, but they still hug you

Contrary to popular belief, not all people, aside from yourself, are assholes. That is why we have this thing called "friends." Yes, the 7-letter word is one of the coolest entry in our dictionaries. They will always be there; to correct your grammar, criticize your fashion and comfort you in your deepest troubles with alcohol. Friends - what could be more cooler.

Of course, we all have different definitions for friendship. A student may define it as someone who lets him cheat during the exams, a traveller my define it as someone who is willing to suck the poison if he gets bit by a pit viper in the butt. However we define it, we define it with unique intimacy.

I don't give definitions. Friendship is a naturally occuring thing. We do not plan it (most of the time), it just happens. I do not completely believe that friendship is where people share a common intellectual and emotional thingy. Even though your friend believes Edward Cullen and Paris Hilton are the true elected President and Vice-President of Mexico, there will always be a natural, unexplainable, unresistable bond you both share, worthy to be called friendship. Of cours I also believe that some friendships change and must be dropped sometimes. But that's another topic.

This is the part where I greet my friends - hello to all my followers. Thanks for not getting sick of my online sarcasms. To my high school friends who remain my best friends (though some of them do not read my blog) - Vill, Zoilo, Chaos, Jealyn, Kevin and the rest. Thanks for not getting sick of my real life sarcasm. To my college friends - what's up. Thanks for high-fiving my hand everyday. To the people around the globe who read my blog. Thanks for being constant readers. High-five!

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Facebook makes you SHINY!

(Note: This is not in any way intended to demote Facebook. The content of this blog post is sarcastic and is only for fun. Please read my header, and keep up buddy. And also, Facebook is awesome!)
What’s up! I’m back! I know you missed me, and I missed me too. Man, I’ve been thorugh a lot of adventures but that is a story for another post. Let me first bring you my comeback post about Facebook. Enjoy (and don’t forget to share this on Facebook and Tweeter)
To date, Facebook has 350 million users, practically comprising of 5 % of the total world population. Yes, your mom, yoga instructor and podiatrist are active users of Facebook (and your podiatrist even posted a status about your last check-up)
Dr Paris Heel-Toe is currently checking up a huge red bump under my patient’s sole which seems to be an unusually large foot pimple.
How did Facebook garner this many users?
It is because Facebook makes an average joe look awesome and cool. Facebook turns average, drooling-over-Megan-Fox-poster you into a new, cool, awesome, shiny, Edward Cullen-y someone. What, you never noticed it? A picked-last-in-gym Facebook user can look like Chuck Norris with one Facebook status update. Want more proof? Let us observe Jack McSurname (Yes, I’m really fond of Jack) and his journey of transition through Facebook.
The Registration:
It all starts when Jack hears some coworkers on the vending machine discussing their “comments being liked.” Since comments are rarely liked in the corporate world, Jack becomes curious. That is until one coworker calls him a dumbass and introduces Facebook, the site that will change Jack into a shiny self-loving hunk/jackass. So Jack registers with his name: jack McSurname, but one colleague tells him to include a nickname to make him look more interesting than he really is, so he makes his profile name Jack “sPaNkMyAsSbAbY” McSurname. That is when he realizes he has family on Facebook.
Friend Request:
This is where Jack does the main thing about Facebook: making connections. He starts to invite friends and family members, until he reaches 16 friends, which was enough already for him. That is until his colleague tells him that he can have friends up to 5000 users. This practically excites Jack, since he only has 6 friends in real life (that includes his turtle, Megatron). So he begins to invite all mutual friends. Finally he reaches 5000 and by this time he is “friends” with all kinds of people, to the ex-boyfriend of the math teacher of his nephew’s best friend which is a hairdresser in Siberia, to the uncle of the dentist of his coworker’s nephew which is the official belly-dancing instructor of the FBI.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Gimme a break!

Hi Guys,
Thanks for being the best readers in the world. I just have to take a break from the blogosphere  for a while. I just got some stuff I need to do. (Yes Jack, aside from the side view photo I have in my profile, I also have a life.)

I'll be back approximately March 23-ish.

See yah!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

For lunch, I think I'll eat my boss

Lunch: It is a universal need. It involves all living and non-living things on earth. All the important matters that have occurred throughout history had been influenced by this single, mouthwatering, noontime routine. Major and minor events that had happened, and continuously happens in our brief timeline had been dictated by this delicious (counting fingers) 5 letter word. Lunch - the powerful entity that is the center of mankind continues to speak to great men and women.: from the men of early civilization (Neanderthal Man: "Ugah, ugah, ugah, ugah, ugah, hey Raspberry Souffle") to the men of the modern era (Gen. Douglas MacArthur: "I shall return, for that piece of chicken, Doris.")

Lunch is probably one of man's greatest gifts to mankind. Who in history would have the strength and perseverance to keep up with their harsh bosses and professors ("harsh" is sugar coating it) without lunch to look forward to. You will agree with me that mankind would cease to exist without that small gap between sucking at your job AM and sucking at your job PM. Lunch - it is the one factor that still keeps us going to work and school. (You know, aside from the salary and stuff)

I speak so highly of lunch, even though I only have thirty measly minutes of it everyday. It is sandwiched between a hectic schedule of daydreaming in Sociology Class and drowsing at Psychology Class. To make matters worse, I often have to eat lunch in front of a computer. I remembered last semester when I actually had the time to do normal lunch routine like talking to your buddies, badmouthing your professors, checking that hot chick across the table and EATING. Yes, EATING in capital letters. The actual performance of getting the edible material from its container, putting it inside a facial opening called mouth, and masticating it to digestible form. Now that's lunch, and unlike homework, it shouldn't be forgotten.

Who doesn't love lunch? Though I only have thirty minutes of it, I savor every grain of rice I eat and every drop of Coke I drink. How about you? How is your lunch? How do you spend that one free hour before you're thrown back to the lion's den?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to lunch.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Ten signs your date is a radioactive zombie-eating alligator

You both went to the movies, had dinner in a fancy restaurant, and said good-byes in the most romantic way. It was the perfect date. You're probably planning a second one, but before you do, read more.

There had been sightings of them for the past thirty minutes I made this phenomenon up; in Canada, Brazil to Indonesia, even in the bathroom of your local Starbucks. They appear in attractive feminine forms, and they have but two goals. First is to supply their minor planet with one of the most precious energy source only found on earth: The glitter and sparkle of Edward Cullen (what's up with them right?). Next is to sustain their knowledge of our planet by reading a very important (and awesome, by the way) document: the asherwrites blog.

They lurk in our planet preying for every single male who resembles a sparkly vampire. They are the (pause, and then choke) Radioactive Zombie-Eating Alligators from Pluto! (*gasp* *choke* *diddly* *yodel*)

There are signs your last date is one. Check these signs to see if your date is indeed a parasite from Pluto, seeking every male for the precious energy source.

1. She glowed inside the cinema.

2. She gave the waiter a series of blinks, similar to Morse-code, and you got a free dessert.

3. She whispered sweet nothings through subliminal and telepathic messages.

4. The snow was too damn hot for her

5. A romantic movie date for her was "Dawn of the Dead"

6. She didn't give her phone number. She'll find you, she claims.

7. Your name is Jack, but she keeps calling you "male earthling."

8. She didn't want you to drop her by her house. It's is "pretty damn far," she said.

9. She overloads when you talk about Twilight (seriously, you talk about Twilight? What's up with that dude?)

10. She's out of your league.

If any of these signs appear, dump her, before she dumps you. Dumps you to a minor planet called Pluto. (Well, if there was any compensation, she did think you were Edward Cullen.)

Thursday, February 11, 2010

How NOT to get a date on Valentines

Valentines Day is only a couple of days to go. Of the many years I've seen the event fly through our calendars, I still don't know whether to spell it as "Valentines" or "Valentine's." Yes I don't seem to know much about Valentines (or the other spelling, whatever.)

Yes, it is a fact that I'm a Valentines Ignoramus. Until now I still don't get why men would give their special someone those furry little balls called Teddy Bears, which was in fact originally made for Teddy Roosevelt's campaign and not for Valentines."Oh, honey, you're giving me ancient political paraphernalia for Valentines, that is the sweetest!" And the rose, yes the roses. Why is it that when women receive roses, it's like they're the first and only woman in the world to have received such. "Oh honey, you're giving me roses this Valentines Day, that is so creative. (Sniffs roses) I never thought roses smelled like this. Oh sweetheart, only Da Vinci would have thought of such a brilliant and unique idea."

Okay, maybe I'm being too cynical again, as always. Go celebrate Valentines Day. Celebrate that you're a couple, which is practically like celebrating a routine you've been sharing since...forever. It's like celebrating flossing your teeth, or drinking coffee, or going to the comfort room on a regular basis.

"What a bitter goon this Asher is," might be what is running in your heads right now. I'm not bitter of Valentines and of people who enjoy the company of their sweethearts, sweetie pies, yum cakes, honey bunch, purple haze, papaya pulp, (whatever they call them.) It just so happened that I'm currently single. Lonely Valentines? I don't think so. I kind of like it. In fact, I like it so much that I have come up with tips on how NOT to get a date this Valentines (a proper compilation and a desperate publisher is all I need to get this on the shelves, baby!) First tip, when meeting someone, introduce yourself by saying your name, followed by a rhyming word: "Hi, I'm Annie, I like spaghetti" or "Hi, I'm Jack, I like to hack" or "Hi, I'm Chuck, I like to When invited to the movies, reply with this: Okay sure, are you a fan of Star Wars. Join my "Jar Jar Binks is hotter than Chewbacca." fan page on Facebook.

That's the second tip: Third, give him/her a Valentines Card with this message:

Happy Valentines

Your presence and smile
your elegance and charm
your beauty and wisdom
it reminds me of a very awesome person:
Dr. Phil

Happy Valentines

Last tip on how NOT to get a Valentines date: Just be yourself.

Seriously, Happy Valentines to all the couples out there. Hope you have a very wonderful day of hearts. (Especially to the elderly couples out there, I salute you. You've never given to the latest trend more popular than IPod, divorce)

Friday, February 5, 2010

Ten signs you'll fail the exams

Next week, I will undergo a process millions of students abhor, abominate, despise, detest, disapprove, disdain, disfavor, loathe, look down on, scorn, shudder at, shun et cetera, et cetera. (Whooo, copying thesaurus was harder than I thought.)

It will be my midterms exams next week. One whole week dedicated to a thousand year old ritual observed by millions of educational institutions in the word. And so, foreseeing the approach of the deadly tentacles of the exams speeding before me, with only a few days left to prepare; days that will decide my midterm exam fate with one small move, I decided to do one thing that will definitely define my days to come. I blogged. ( Yes Asher. You almost had it.)

I am no stranger to failing exams. Believe me. In the fourteen years I've been sitting my ass in school, I have come to know and predict the signs that an impending doom is upon your exam results. The impending doom (wow, I love typing "impending doom") has been proven to happen every time these ten things below occurred the night before exams. If you experienced or did these things the night before the big day, you might be on your way to a D minus or a 70. You were warned.

Ten signs you'll fail the exams

1. You blogged about the exams (good thing I steered clear of that.)

2. "Out of nowhere", a case of beer appeared on your table beside your notes.

3. Someone bet you ten dollars to pee on your notes.

4. Your dog ate your notes, then turned into a zombie-eating alligator.

5. Someone bet you ten bucks to pee on your professor's notes.

6. Your name is Peter and this was your quiz paper. (see below)

7. You just became Barney Stinson's new wingman.

8. You created a facebook page entitled, "stop exams = save trees" (which garnered over a million fans.)

9. You didn't review (Yes, scientists had already proven that)

10. Someone bet you ten bucks to pee on your professor. 

Be on guard, if the signs occur, be alert and proceed to the nearest bar. Your beer is all you got for now.

Anyways, you might not see me much next week. I have to pretend to be studying. While I'm gone, please join my Facebook page (on the right, or click here) and also follow me on twitter (on the right too. or click again here.)

Monday, February 1, 2010

When I said she's smokin', I didn't mean she's hot

(Note:  I am not judging smokers in any way. It's your right to, as most non-smokers put it, "kill yourself." Smoke away.)

A professor told us once that when you, a non-smoker, happens to be lost (unfortunately) in a smoking area, it would be better to smoke a cigarette than inhale all the second-hand smoke your amigos are blowing.

That's a great advice.

By doing so, not only do you inhale the second-hand smoke, you also suck the "primary smoke". Efficient!

I'm not a smoker. I know many who are. During high school, it was the cool stick, the macho maker. You are not cool if you don't smoke, they say. (Of course I never trusted this "cool" tip since the same people also told me that it was cool to listen to Soulja Boy.)

I really don't understand the exact system of our smoker friends. First, they buy a pack (which comes in rainbow colors) of white sticks filled with leaves, called "cigarettes." (I assume the -ettes suggest the minimized size/quantity of the commodity.) Next, they put the orange filtered end they call the cigarette filter or "butt" (or ass, which may also refer to smokers who smoke in hospitals and non-smoking areas) in their mouth. Then they will light the other end, with the use of a (most of the time) borrowed lighter. Lastly, they will absorb through their mouth the produced smoke from the lit leaves and exhale it back to the air (repetitive until there is none left or your mom catches you.)

About 5.5 trillion cigarettes are produced every year, smoked by 1.1 billion (or one out of six) people in the world. Cigarette manufacturers spend about 15.12 billion dollars in advertisements. Marlboro Man, probably the most popular and effective smoking campaign was portrayed by many cowboy costumed men including Wayne McLaren, David Mclean and Dick Hammer. The three of them died of lung cancer.

Okay, since some smokers might bash me in the comments. I don't hate the smokers, just the smoke.

You might also think of quitting, right?

Thursday, January 28, 2010

You've said that the nth time already!

The very word conjures negative words. Politicians. Our interest in them is as fanatic as our interest in the Dewey Decimal System (sorry, librarians). We direly wish to deport our very own politicians somewhere else, wherever we live. Though we may be politically active in the manner of tracking our votes and checking our laws and stuff, we never find interest in the suited-up politicians whose real expertise is in the grueling field of smiling.

Its presidential elections year here in the Philippines. Politicians parade their butts down the street with this exact routine: (1) Megaphones blare, announces the politician's name and how awesome and cool and gorgeous they are in their suits. (2) Politicians go down the truck, shake hands and says the script, "I'm *name* running for *office*, you must have heard the megaphone announcing how awesome I am but I just came down here to tell you that again myself." He then turns around, applies hand sanitizer and harasses the next unwary voter.

Politicians pay a lot of money for their staff; speech writers, PR, etc. They build up the force of the politician's drive towards the office. These are essential people they might want to add to their staff in order to build that politically-powerful force they desire.

1. Dandruff Monitor- Essential to the image of the politicians. They provide an efficient service of monitoring and exterminating white specks on the politician's shoulders we common folks call the "dandruff." This will add to the overall charisma of the politician. A good smile is never enough.

2. Funnier Jokes Writer- A must for old politicians since we don't laugh at the "Even Perfecto is not perfect" joke anymore.

3. Perspiration Control Team- This will take more than three people. The ultimate politician's dream (except the office itself, of course). It is a known fact that when someone says lies and crap, perspiration increases. This is where the PCT comes in. Armed with a towel, baby powder and a strong stomach, these experts will turn a perspiring "I did not steal money" politician into a dry, handsome, 'I will serve the country truthfully" politician. Lying had never been easier.

Last thing, stop promising things you had already promised for the last three terms of your office.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Its 50 million people's day too, Asher

It's my birthday. What could be more fun, more exciting, and more breath-taking to do than doing this on your special day: Blogging! (Oh dude, you're such a loser)

Don't you call me that, today's my birthday (whoa, there's immunity?), and unlike some weird people, I only have one of it. That is why though millions of birthday celebrants today claim this as their day, I'm still happy I don't get to land on a date like Feb, 29. Practically, I highly prefer a birthday party with all the goodies, clowns and parlor games, but maturity dictates me to do something boring called "booze with buddies."

Birthdays. Why do we celebrate it? Since my last birthday, about 31,536,000 seconds have passed (Yes, Jack, I counted.) I've only had three haircuts since my last birthday, (It's because I feel frail and weak before a pair of scissors.) 76,570,430 people had been added to the world's population since you blowed your last birthday candle. An average garden snail (you know, the one you saw in your living room last week while shouting "snake, there's a snake in the room!") travels about 0.3 mph. If it gave you a weird birthday present of walking non-stop till your next birthday, it'd have traveled 263 miles.

Why we celebrate it.? Because all of the statistical data I've mentioned just made another year of our lives sound cooler (high-5).

Happy Birthday to me, and to the millions who selfishly claims this day as their own.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

All The Single...Damn It!

"Oh well a you dum dum, a wina finally found you, a hathaway suit hashish a hot that I met it..."

Wait, before you refer me to rehab, that is supposed to be Jason Mraz's song, 'I'm Yours' which has been bugging my mind on the way to school. I obviously don't know the lyrics, and I'm not a fan of the song (what?!? would probably be the reaction of the many) , but when I heard it on the radio this morning, a certain phenomenon occurred.

We've all had it. It afflicts millions, no billions of people everyday, and many are not aware. Unfortunately, there is no cure for....LSS (Average listener: NOOOOOOOO!!!, Record Producer: *evil laugh*)

Last Song Syndrome (or LSS, for the sake of my fingers) is simply repeating and repeating the last song you heard until your pissed (you were expecting something more psychologically profound, weren't you. Okay, if you want that read more.)

LSS could also be called earworm or musical imagery, which is the phenomenon of hearing and repeating a line of a song. Theodore Reik (1888-1969) made the first study on the subject, calling the phenomenon, haunting memory. (Probably he'd been LSS-ing Beethoven's Ode to Joy.)

So what have you been humming lately. Have you sang 'I Gotta Feeling' whilst cleaning the dishes, or sang 'Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take yah' (Kokomo) with your lowest voice while in a bus. Have you passed LSS to someone by singing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight'

"Asher, why do you have an image of barbie here?" You've just made the wrongest question of your day. It's because "I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie wooooorld. Life in plastic, it's so fantastic."

To leave you with the ultimate torture, here is Beyonce Knowles with, Single Ladies!
(In case you are wondering, the ear above is not mine)

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Hangovers are worth it, I guess

We drink it, shampoo with it, even wash our plates with it. Who doesn't love beer

As a matter of fact, we love beer so much, it has already been battered for centuries. We use beer in every excuse possible. "Oh, I'm sorry I wasn't able to go to your  'Bodybuilders for Hello Kitty Fans Day ', I was drunk...with beer (you don't say)."  We use it as an excuse to act like idiots. "I'm sorry I microwaved your thesis, I was so drunk." It is almost equivalent to 'wife' for the singles. "Oh, I'm sorry. I had to bring my beer to the hospital"

Actually, the one in your hand right now while reading this crappy blog is the world's oldest and most widely consumed alcoholic beverage. It is the third most popular drink after water and tea.

Beer has always been in history. The code of Hammurabi actually has a regulations on bars and taverns. There is actually a goddess of beer, Ninkasi. (You're thinking of changing churches aren't you?) The brewing industry in the present is worth $294.5 billion.

If you come to think of it, what made you puke last night is classier than thou.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

How about THIS for a Resolution

My persistence in keeping New Year Resolutions is as strong as my persistence in eating Chinese with a straw.

I've made a lot of resolutions; eat more vegetables, get a decent haircut, be less sarcastic, be more sarcastic. A few I got through three (broccoli diet and decent hair-cut degraded to bad hair) months. Most only got through the New year hangover.

So I decided one major decision that will change my every "What's your New Year's Resolution" conversations for the years to come. I made the very resolution I'm sure to keep:

I will not make any New Year's Resolutions, ever.

That's right. Aside from my perfection (you can throw that squishy tomato towards the screen right now) I only come up with automatic resolutions whenever someone corners me and starts the "Here we go again, what's your new year's resolution" conversation.

Speaking of resolutions, Rome takes the winner New Year's Resolution for holding the very last gladiatorial competition, (computed modern date) January 1, 404

HAPPY NEW YEAR! (Yeah I'm late, whatever)

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