Monday, May 31, 2010

A loser's guide to dating women

Dating has always been a problem for losers, century after century after century. Not that they always venture on the art of dating, but when they do, they always fail hard on the floor. This may in time lead to a series of devastating effect. The propagation of losers will be halted if this problem continues. Who will be the losers of the future, huh? Who would our grandchildren tease in gym class. Also, the video game industry will subside drastically, together with the knitted vest, comic book and root beer industry. That is why, me, a very concerned citizen has created the ultimate dating guide for losers. (I believe the word "loser" is politically incorrect in some tribes, but I think of the word as someone who just hasn't won yet).

Let us follow Jack McSurname in his quest to find ultimate love, and maybe with this guide you'll get one too.

Dating Guide 1: Jack McSurname is a loser, and the closest thing to love that he knows is the stray frogs he hunts at the local pond, which he kisses one by one every midnight. Now, we shall help him find love. And where is the coolest place to find love for a loser like Jack? That is right, avid reader, dating sites. My first tip for Jack and to all guys out there is to surf different adult dating sites. Still, that wouldn't be enough. Jack should create a convincing profile:

NAME: Jack hOt4ss McSurname (the nickname is a total hit)
AGE: 18 (we had to make him 25 years younger, didn't we).
SEX: Whatever you want me to be, babe (we have to make him sound witty and sexy at the same time. Women, and apparently men like those kinds of things).
PROFESSION: Lion Tamer (of course we know Jack is in fact working in a pantyhose recycling facility, but that isn't "dating site cool." Now lion tamer, that is definitely cool!
HOBBIES AND ACTIVITIES: Everything that makes me sweat and look like a jock (this is to summarize all the things he would NEVER ever do. He's allergic to his own sweat).

Now to polish the profile further, we have to put a profile picture. Yeah, but we cannot possibly place his real face there, please. That is why I have another solution, male anime pictures. Placing secretive anime pictures make Jack sexy and mysterious.

Now, search for hot and eligible girls from the said dating site. Don't fuss if all of their profile pictures are either side view, black and white, taken in front of a bathroom mirror, or the face practically not wholly visible. They do it to create suspense and mystery, just as what you are doing with the anime pic. If you are done picking, PM them and let the first date begin!

Dating Guide 2: Now here comes the date, I'm pretty sure Jack is so damn excited and nervous of this upcoming event. Now here is the ultimate tip that I might give to Jack and to all readers today; Just be yourself. Of course, I know it is totally different from your dating site profile. But, how are you going to fake 3-time Olympic gold medalist in real life? 

Now, before going to the big day, Jack must try being in the latest fashion. That only means one thing; Pants on the ground! Jack can wear any jeans he has, use strings as belt, put inside his pocket a variety of chains and stuff, wear it up to his knees, and there you go. Pants on the ground. If you like to uphold to your anime pic then go cosplay style. Don't mind your flabby fat popping out of your sailor moon costume. At least you are kewl!

Dating Guide 3: It is time to meet her, the woman who might change the future of Jack's life. Now Jack, be cool. The first thing to do is to greet her with your remarkable fluency in Klingon. 

 yIn tIq 'ej chep

Check for signs. If she is raising an eyebrow, do not worry. It is a sign that she is amazed by your fluency. Now take her to one of your favorite restaurants, TGIF (Thank Google I'm a Freak). Get the specialty, "Spock's Foot in Voldemort sauce". I am sure she will enjoy it so much that she will spit and vomit all of it, believing her tongue is not worthy of such great food.

If you want to converse, just start with the usual things you talk about. Your date's vomit can be one,

 "You should take the Facebook quiz, What does your vomit color tell about your dog's personality' "

Give the martian waiter a large tip to impress your date. An autographed picture of yourself  in Cosplay could be one.

Now to leave your date with a gift, give her something she will treasure her entire life. How about one of your collectibles, like Adolf Hitler's stool sample. Believe me, she'll love it so much she'll forget to bring it home.

Remember these things: If she leaves you in the middle of the date, that just means she has been awestruck by your incredible aura. If she slaps you, that means she can't get her hands off of you. Now you'll be able to say to yourself, who is the loser now huh? Look at you, Jack McSurname, what a stud!!

As always, Live long and prosper! And don't call her again, like forever. She doesn't have a number, right?

*above is a Google image

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Ten signs your mom is a heavy metal rock star by night

Rock. The very word brings a whole series of emotions. It definitely brings joy to our very cool and busy geologists, while it also brings paranoia puree to conservative parents. To us young people, its the very definition of music.

Your mom had probably at least once scolded you for listening to "trash." Is this a genuine warning against rock and its close cousins sex and drugs or is it a strategy to sway you from the truth that might shock your ass off and change the future breakfasts you'll have.

Your mom is a heavy metal rock star. Wait, wait, do not update your Facebook status of how cool you are just yet. You must confirm the suspicion with these signs. Is cheese not the only thing your mom can shred?

1. She hordes eyeliners because "it is cheaper."

2. She uses screamo to wake you up for school every morning.

3. Your Aunt Phyllis is indeed her lead guitarist.

4. You constantly see her putting mothballs in her closet. That is to disperse the marijuana smell her clothes get from her underground concerts.

5. She kinda looks like a member of Edward Cullen's family.

6. She tucks you in bed too early, so she can rock!

7. Her apron is autographed by Ozzy Osbourne.

8. She sings sweet lullabies to you, courtesy of songs from Black Sabbath and Dio.

9. She signs her checkbook with her blood.

10. She fixes "funny" pancakes.

Rock on!

Friday, May 14, 2010

Justin Bieber is the Antichrist

You must be very familiar with a phenomenon in pop culture where people, especially conspiracy theorists brand other people as the Antichrist, the resurrection of Hitler, the fifth Teletubby, etc. Titles used are commonly and practically anything that may shock us Internet geeks. Victims may be celebrities who are quickly climbing the ladder of fame, newly elected Popes, too-damn-rich TV hosts, and world leaders. I was not surprised Obama was labeled as the Antichrist, and I am surprised Justin Bieber still hasn't been labelled as someone threatening or peculiar (if he is the fifth teletubby, Tinky Winky will be threatened). 

If Justin Bieber is to be branded by the conspiracy theorists as the Antichrist, then a series of conspiracy theories follows. He would blacklist every anti-Justin Bieber fan page on Facebook. His song "Baby" would probably and apparently contain subliminal message to hypnotize today's youth. Oh no! 

That would be pretty weird, yet pretty convincing. Just look how manly Justin Bieber is. Chuck Norris would be embarrassed before this man. His iron fist terrifies many as he sings the intro for the new and sucky version of "We are the World." 

Then again, Justin Bieber does not know where Germany is, so I doubt the premise once more.

Why do they brand famous people as such. I know a Psychology term used for the paranoia in this context, but I cannot find it in my dusty search engine of a brain. This suggests I should review my major a little. There are a lot of questions bothering my mind. Why is Justin Bieber famous? Does Oprah operate her own religion with Dr. Phil as the head?

And the question that bothers me most: Who would be the fifth member of the Teletubbies?

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Practical ways to deal with an annoying classmate

Having problems with a classmate? Worry no more! This blogger, who happens to be one of the leading experts on those kinds of crap, has come up with a few practical ways to deal with an annoying classmate.

Now, it will all depend on how the classmate annoys you. (From now on, we shall call the annoying classmate "Jacques")

Annoying stuff 1: The math teacher asks for the value of x. Your classmate Jacques raises his hand and begins to detail the philosophical background of mathematics and the genealogy of Isaac Newton's chihuahua.

How to deal with crap: Stand up and shout - "Shut up loser, you obviously don't know the answer!" Believe me, your teacher will thank you for it.

Annoying stuff 2: It's a Literature exam, Jacques sits beside you and extends his neck like a freaking giraffe over your paper.

How to deal with crap: Always be prepared for cheating classmates. Get an old fashion magazine and tear a page. Use it as a fake exam paper, so that whenever he leans towards your paper, he sees Katherine Heigl. I assume he is dumb enough to believe that Perez Hilton is the most famous character of Ernest Hemingway. After all, he cheats.

Annoying Stuff 3: You try to impress girls in school with your collection of dead cockroaches, but your classmate Jacques tries to steal the spotlight by bringing his collection of famous people's boogers.

How to deal with crap: Try to prove the authenticity of your collection by letting the girls touch and smell the dead cockroaches. Worry not if Jacques tries to do the same, no one would want to touch and smell people's boogers. I mean, Eeew!

Practical solutions to socio-educational annoyances. Good day. I'm off to class.

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