Ten signs your mom is a heavy metal rock star by night

Rock. The very word brings a whole series of emotions. It definitely brings joy to our very cool and busy geologists, while it also brings paranoia puree to conservative parents. To us young people, its the very definition of music.

Your mom had probably at least once scolded you for listening to "trash." Is this a genuine warning against rock and its close cousins sex and drugs or is it a strategy to sway you from the truth that might shock your ass off and change the future breakfasts you'll have.

Your mom is a heavy metal rock star. Wait, wait, do not update your Facebook status of how cool you are just yet. You must confirm the suspicion with these signs. Is cheese not the only thing your mom can shred?

1. She hordes eyeliners because "it is cheaper."

2. She uses screamo to wake you up for school every morning.

3. Your Aunt Phyllis is indeed her lead guitarist.

4. You constantly see her putting mothballs in her closet. That is to disperse the marijuana smell her clothes get from her underground concerts.

5. She kinda looks like a member of Edward Cullen's family.

6. She tucks you in bed too early, so she can rock!

7. Her apron is autographed by Ozzy Osbourne.

8. She sings sweet lullabies to you, courtesy of songs from Black Sabbath and Dio.

9. She signs her checkbook with her blood.

10. She fixes "funny" pancakes.

Rock on!

Ten signs your shrink is crazier than you

(I would use the word "Psychiatrist" if it wasn't too damn long, so please allow me to use the more popular name - shrink. And also, ummmm, this is sarcastic.)


Have you ever been to a shrink? If your answer is yes, that means you have had some issues (which I am not going to meddle with, because I know it's private, and I really don't care.) You have probably been on one of those couches, and while staring at an Edward Cullen poster on the shrink's ceiling (he believes it to be therapeutic), you must have been asked a series of personal questions, relevant to your state of mind, such as "Have you been intimate to a squid for the last forty-eight hours?"


After all those $500 per hour sessions (plus the $600 night club visits if the shrink was not enough), how do you know for sure if the shrink himself is mentally stable to listen to your rants. How do you know if he isn't crazier than thou? These are the ten signs your shrink is crazier than you.


1. "The thigh bone connected to the knee bone" is something he should not say.

2. The biggest certificate on his wall is "Apple County Hotdog Eating Champion."

3. He sells you Sigmund Freud action figures.

4. He always holds a tobacco.

5. His conclusion to all your failed relationships is "He/she must be the Antichrist."

6.  He cancels your shrink session to attend his own shrink session.

7. He calls you "Depression Dude."

8. He has three pictures on his wall: Sigmund Freud, Dr. Phil and Ozzy Osbourne

9. He pays real and genuine attention to your problems.

10. He lets you read my blog.

Ten signs your date is a radioactive zombie-eating alligator

You both went to the movies, had dinner in a fancy restaurant, and said good-byes in the most romantic way. It was the perfect date. You're probably planning a second one, but before you do, read more.

There had been sightings of them for the past thirty minutes I made this phenomenon up; in Canada, Brazil to Indonesia, even in the bathroom of your local Starbucks. They appear in attractive feminine forms, and they have but two goals. First is to supply their minor planet with one of the most precious energy source only found on earth: The glitter and sparkle of Edward Cullen (what's up with them right?). Next is to sustain their knowledge of our planet by reading a very important (and awesome, by the way) document: the asherwrites blog.

They lurk in our planet preying for every single male who resembles a sparkly vampire. They are the (pause, and then choke) Radioactive Zombie-Eating Alligators from Pluto! (*gasp* *choke* *diddly* *yodel*)

There are signs your last date is one. Check these signs to see if your date is indeed a parasite from Pluto, seeking every male for the precious energy source.

1. She glowed inside the cinema.

2. She gave the waiter a series of blinks, similar to Morse-code, and you got a free dessert.

3. She whispered sweet nothings through subliminal and telepathic messages.

4. The snow was too damn hot for her

5. A romantic movie date for her was "Dawn of the Dead"

6. She didn't give her phone number. She'll find you, she claims.

7. Your name is Jack, but she keeps calling you "male earthling."

8. She didn't want you to drop her by her house. It's is "pretty damn far," she said.

9. She overloads when you talk about Twilight (seriously, you talk about Twilight? What's up with that dude?)

10. She's out of your league.

If any of these signs appear, dump her, before she dumps you. Dumps you to a minor planet called Pluto. (Well, if there was any compensation, she did think you were Edward Cullen.)

Ten signs you'll fail the exams

Next week, I will undergo a process millions of students abhor, abominate, despise, detest, disapprove, disdain, disfavor, loathe, look down on, scorn, shudder at, shun et cetera, et cetera. (Whooo, copying thesaurus was harder than I thought.)

It will be my midterms exams next week. One whole week dedicated to a thousand year old ritual observed by millions of educational institutions in the word. And so, foreseeing the approach of the deadly tentacles of the exams speeding before me, with only a few days left to prepare; days that will decide my midterm exam fate with one small move, I decided to do one thing that will definitely define my days to come. I blogged. ( Yes Asher. You almost had it.)

I am no stranger to failing exams. Believe me. In the fourteen years I've been sitting my ass in school, I have come to know and predict the signs that an impending doom is upon your exam results. The impending doom (wow, I love typing "impending doom") has been proven to happen every time these ten things below occurred the night before exams. If you experienced or did these things the night before the big day, you might be on your way to a D minus or a 70. You were warned.

Ten signs you'll fail the exams

1. You blogged about the exams (good thing I steered clear of that.)

2. "Out of nowhere", a case of beer appeared on your table beside your notes.

3. Someone bet you ten dollars to pee on your notes.

4. Your dog ate your notes, then turned into a zombie-eating alligator.

5. Someone bet you ten bucks to pee on your professor's notes.


6. Your name is Peter and this was your quiz paper. (see below)

7. You just became Barney Stinson's new wingman.


8. You created a facebook page entitled, "stop exams = save trees" (which garnered over a million fans.)


9. You didn't review (Yes, scientists had already proven that)


10. Someone bet you ten bucks to pee on your professor. 


Be on guard, if the signs occur, be alert and proceed to the nearest bar. Your beer is all you got for now.


Anyways, you might not see me much next week. I have to pretend to be studying. While I'm gone, please join my Facebook page (on the right, or click here) and also follow me on twitter (on the right too. or click again here.)