Sunday, February 28, 2010

Gimme a break!

Hi Guys,
Thanks for being the best readers in the world. I just have to take a break from the blogosphere  for a while. I just got some stuff I need to do. (Yes Jack, aside from the side view photo I have in my profile, I also have a life.)

I'll be back approximately March 23-ish.

See yah!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

For lunch, I think I'll eat my boss

Lunch: It is a universal need. It involves all living and non-living things on earth. All the important matters that have occurred throughout history had been influenced by this single, mouthwatering, noontime routine. Major and minor events that had happened, and continuously happens in our brief timeline had been dictated by this delicious (counting fingers) 5 letter word. Lunch - the powerful entity that is the center of mankind continues to speak to great men and women.: from the men of early civilization (Neanderthal Man: "Ugah, ugah, ugah, ugah, ugah, hey Raspberry Souffle") to the men of the modern era (Gen. Douglas MacArthur: "I shall return, for that piece of chicken, Doris.")

Lunch is probably one of man's greatest gifts to mankind. Who in history would have the strength and perseverance to keep up with their harsh bosses and professors ("harsh" is sugar coating it) without lunch to look forward to. You will agree with me that mankind would cease to exist without that small gap between sucking at your job AM and sucking at your job PM. Lunch - it is the one factor that still keeps us going to work and school. (You know, aside from the salary and stuff)

I speak so highly of lunch, even though I only have thirty measly minutes of it everyday. It is sandwiched between a hectic schedule of daydreaming in Sociology Class and drowsing at Psychology Class. To make matters worse, I often have to eat lunch in front of a computer. I remembered last semester when I actually had the time to do normal lunch routine like talking to your buddies, badmouthing your professors, checking that hot chick across the table and EATING. Yes, EATING in capital letters. The actual performance of getting the edible material from its container, putting it inside a facial opening called mouth, and masticating it to digestible form. Now that's lunch, and unlike homework, it shouldn't be forgotten.

Who doesn't love lunch? Though I only have thirty minutes of it, I savor every grain of rice I eat and every drop of Coke I drink. How about you? How is your lunch? How do you spend that one free hour before you're thrown back to the lion's den?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to lunch.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Ten signs your date is a radioactive zombie-eating alligator

You both went to the movies, had dinner in a fancy restaurant, and said good-byes in the most romantic way. It was the perfect date. You're probably planning a second one, but before you do, read more.

There had been sightings of them for the past thirty minutes I made this phenomenon up; in Canada, Brazil to Indonesia, even in the bathroom of your local Starbucks. They appear in attractive feminine forms, and they have but two goals. First is to supply their minor planet with one of the most precious energy source only found on earth: The glitter and sparkle of Edward Cullen (what's up with them right?). Next is to sustain their knowledge of our planet by reading a very important (and awesome, by the way) document: the asherwrites blog.

They lurk in our planet preying for every single male who resembles a sparkly vampire. They are the (pause, and then choke) Radioactive Zombie-Eating Alligators from Pluto! (*gasp* *choke* *diddly* *yodel*)

There are signs your last date is one. Check these signs to see if your date is indeed a parasite from Pluto, seeking every male for the precious energy source.

1. She glowed inside the cinema.

2. She gave the waiter a series of blinks, similar to Morse-code, and you got a free dessert.

3. She whispered sweet nothings through subliminal and telepathic messages.

4. The snow was too damn hot for her

5. A romantic movie date for her was "Dawn of the Dead"

6. She didn't give her phone number. She'll find you, she claims.

7. Your name is Jack, but she keeps calling you "male earthling."

8. She didn't want you to drop her by her house. It's is "pretty damn far," she said.

9. She overloads when you talk about Twilight (seriously, you talk about Twilight? What's up with that dude?)

10. She's out of your league.

If any of these signs appear, dump her, before she dumps you. Dumps you to a minor planet called Pluto. (Well, if there was any compensation, she did think you were Edward Cullen.)

Thursday, February 11, 2010

How NOT to get a date on Valentines

Valentines Day is only a couple of days to go. Of the many years I've seen the event fly through our calendars, I still don't know whether to spell it as "Valentines" or "Valentine's." Yes I don't seem to know much about Valentines (or the other spelling, whatever.)

Yes, it is a fact that I'm a Valentines Ignoramus. Until now I still don't get why men would give their special someone those furry little balls called Teddy Bears, which was in fact originally made for Teddy Roosevelt's campaign and not for Valentines."Oh, honey, you're giving me ancient political paraphernalia for Valentines, that is the sweetest!" And the rose, yes the roses. Why is it that when women receive roses, it's like they're the first and only woman in the world to have received such. "Oh honey, you're giving me roses this Valentines Day, that is so creative. (Sniffs roses) I never thought roses smelled like this. Oh sweetheart, only Da Vinci would have thought of such a brilliant and unique idea."

Okay, maybe I'm being too cynical again, as always. Go celebrate Valentines Day. Celebrate that you're a couple, which is practically like celebrating a routine you've been sharing since...forever. It's like celebrating flossing your teeth, or drinking coffee, or going to the comfort room on a regular basis.

"What a bitter goon this Asher is," might be what is running in your heads right now. I'm not bitter of Valentines and of people who enjoy the company of their sweethearts, sweetie pies, yum cakes, honey bunch, purple haze, papaya pulp, (whatever they call them.) It just so happened that I'm currently single. Lonely Valentines? I don't think so. I kind of like it. In fact, I like it so much that I have come up with tips on how NOT to get a date this Valentines (a proper compilation and a desperate publisher is all I need to get this on the shelves, baby!) First tip, when meeting someone, introduce yourself by saying your name, followed by a rhyming word: "Hi, I'm Annie, I like spaghetti" or "Hi, I'm Jack, I like to hack" or "Hi, I'm Chuck, I like to When invited to the movies, reply with this: Okay sure, are you a fan of Star Wars. Join my "Jar Jar Binks is hotter than Chewbacca." fan page on Facebook.

That's the second tip: Third, give him/her a Valentines Card with this message:

Happy Valentines

Your presence and smile
your elegance and charm
your beauty and wisdom
it reminds me of a very awesome person:
Dr. Phil

Happy Valentines

Last tip on how NOT to get a Valentines date: Just be yourself.

Seriously, Happy Valentines to all the couples out there. Hope you have a very wonderful day of hearts. (Especially to the elderly couples out there, I salute you. You've never given to the latest trend more popular than IPod, divorce)

Friday, February 5, 2010

Ten signs you'll fail the exams

Next week, I will undergo a process millions of students abhor, abominate, despise, detest, disapprove, disdain, disfavor, loathe, look down on, scorn, shudder at, shun et cetera, et cetera. (Whooo, copying thesaurus was harder than I thought.)

It will be my midterms exams next week. One whole week dedicated to a thousand year old ritual observed by millions of educational institutions in the word. And so, foreseeing the approach of the deadly tentacles of the exams speeding before me, with only a few days left to prepare; days that will decide my midterm exam fate with one small move, I decided to do one thing that will definitely define my days to come. I blogged. ( Yes Asher. You almost had it.)

I am no stranger to failing exams. Believe me. In the fourteen years I've been sitting my ass in school, I have come to know and predict the signs that an impending doom is upon your exam results. The impending doom (wow, I love typing "impending doom") has been proven to happen every time these ten things below occurred the night before exams. If you experienced or did these things the night before the big day, you might be on your way to a D minus or a 70. You were warned.

Ten signs you'll fail the exams

1. You blogged about the exams (good thing I steered clear of that.)

2. "Out of nowhere", a case of beer appeared on your table beside your notes.

3. Someone bet you ten dollars to pee on your notes.

4. Your dog ate your notes, then turned into a zombie-eating alligator.

5. Someone bet you ten bucks to pee on your professor's notes.

6. Your name is Peter and this was your quiz paper. (see below)

7. You just became Barney Stinson's new wingman.

8. You created a facebook page entitled, "stop exams = save trees" (which garnered over a million fans.)

9. You didn't review (Yes, scientists had already proven that)

10. Someone bet you ten bucks to pee on your professor. 

Be on guard, if the signs occur, be alert and proceed to the nearest bar. Your beer is all you got for now.

Anyways, you might not see me much next week. I have to pretend to be studying. While I'm gone, please join my Facebook page (on the right, or click here) and also follow me on twitter (on the right too. or click again here.)

Monday, February 1, 2010

When I said she's smokin', I didn't mean she's hot

(Note:  I am not judging smokers in any way. It's your right to, as most non-smokers put it, "kill yourself." Smoke away.)

A professor told us once that when you, a non-smoker, happens to be lost (unfortunately) in a smoking area, it would be better to smoke a cigarette than inhale all the second-hand smoke your amigos are blowing.

That's a great advice.

By doing so, not only do you inhale the second-hand smoke, you also suck the "primary smoke". Efficient!

I'm not a smoker. I know many who are. During high school, it was the cool stick, the macho maker. You are not cool if you don't smoke, they say. (Of course I never trusted this "cool" tip since the same people also told me that it was cool to listen to Soulja Boy.)

I really don't understand the exact system of our smoker friends. First, they buy a pack (which comes in rainbow colors) of white sticks filled with leaves, called "cigarettes." (I assume the -ettes suggest the minimized size/quantity of the commodity.) Next, they put the orange filtered end they call the cigarette filter or "butt" (or ass, which may also refer to smokers who smoke in hospitals and non-smoking areas) in their mouth. Then they will light the other end, with the use of a (most of the time) borrowed lighter. Lastly, they will absorb through their mouth the produced smoke from the lit leaves and exhale it back to the air (repetitive until there is none left or your mom catches you.)

About 5.5 trillion cigarettes are produced every year, smoked by 1.1 billion (or one out of six) people in the world. Cigarette manufacturers spend about 15.12 billion dollars in advertisements. Marlboro Man, probably the most popular and effective smoking campaign was portrayed by many cowboy costumed men including Wayne McLaren, David Mclean and Dick Hammer. The three of them died of lung cancer.

Okay, since some smokers might bash me in the comments. I don't hate the smokers, just the smoke.

You might also think of quitting, right?

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