Friday, April 23, 2010

She bit me in the ass: A guide to zombie apocalypse survival

Do you believe in the possibility of a zombie apocalypse? I sure do.

Most of you normal people may not have thought of the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. For me, there was never a week I did not sit on a chair and think "Whoa, a zombie attack would be pretty inconvenient" (I really have a hectic schedule). At first, when the walking zombies (I'm looking at you Mia Jovovich) were still dominating the zombie movie industry, I was like "What's up with you, man? You can dance the 'locomotion' in their midst and they still wouldn't get you." Then they created the...wait for it... running zombie!

Would you survive a zombie apocalypse? What should we really do in case of a zombie attack.

I have compiled from all over my brain, (its a pretty wide search engine) things to do in a zombie apocalypse. First, when the crazies on the street start to hang those cardboards of doom over their necks, believe them and give them money for crack. Next, if the news starts to show zombie waves in varying regions in your country, pay attention and do not make love, talk to the telephone or party while the news is running. That is if you don't want to wake up the next morning with dentures sunk on your neck, and a hangover.

The next one is to prepare yourself for the invasion. In classic zombie movies, the whole neighborhood always turns into zombies except you. Being lucky enough to be the protagonist, what should you do? There are two choices: The first one is locking yourself in. Close all windows and doors and reinforce them, for extra protection. The flaw in this plan is that 84% of people who had tried locking themselves in their houses from zombies forget the backdoor.

The second plan is to get your car out of the garage and sweep the neighborhood streets. The flaw in this plan is that you tend to lose diesel, and zombies from gas stations are the most vicious zombies, according to the "What type of capitalist zombie are you" quiz from Facebook. If you ask me, a survivor of two zombie attacks, I would go for the second choice.

And speaking of Facebook, you should always update your status, so do not forget to bring your laptops and secure your mobiles.

        Jack McSurname oMg I jUst cUt oFf a zOmbiE aRm!...! iT's sTilL wRigGliNg iN dA tRunK...

That way you will be able to notify your Facebook friends. That is if they haven't turned into zombies yet. And also, expect that 88 percent of your tweeter followers are now infected, so no one will read your latest tweet anymore:

        jackSpANKME @paris_heeltoe1355 you just bit a chunk off my ass. but I'm okay...thought you should know! damn #zombies!!!

After running away from your neighborhood, find uninfected people. There is power in numbers. You can all find shelter, where you can build a reinforcement and wait for the military to rescue you. Be sure to judge a suitable shelter based on its survival benefits, not because it has an indoor swimming pool, or else you'll be swimming in blood, and probably a zombie lifeguard's blood at that. However, do not be overdependent to your buddies, even if they are man enough to face the horde. I don't care if your new found boyfriend is as manly and brave as Justin Bieber, you can all still get in deep trouble if you do not retain a sense of independence. Having clumsy buddies by your side is actually an advantage. When they trip and become food for the zombies, they buy you time to escape. Remember, there is wisdom in cowardice. Also, be wary of the people you meet. Zombies sometimes pose like the uninfected to attract people, and morons are tastier to them, so be on alert. Resist them, even if one looks like Megan Fox without the half of her face. Remember this: They all look like half-faced Megan Foxes.

Now, good luck finding rescue. If you'll excuse me, I have to pee.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

You don't eat chocolate? What are you, Mayan?

Chocolates are one of the best things in the world. If aliens invaded our planet the first thing I will store in my basement is the brown stuff, lots and lots of brown stuff. And when the time comes when they aliens have to disintegrate me, I would lose my atoms happily and at peace (jeez, what a nerd). I am glad I am not one of those allergic to the sweet stuff. It would be like having allergy to oxygen, and that would be like a major hassle.

Chocolates are awesome. It is the most popular flavor in the world. Yes, when TV shows ice cream, it sounds dull, but chocolate ice cream - divine. We also have chocolate cookies, chocolate acne cleanser, chocolate caviar and even chocolate-scented bubblewraps.

However delicious chocolates could be, it should NEVER be given to a girl. Giving chocolates to girls is the most desperate thing a guy can do. Yes, girls find it sweet, and by "it" I mean the chocolate. Giving her chocolate is like resorting to biological means to get her to love you and that is just not right. 84 percent of guys who had "won" their partner's heart end up in divorce. Why is that, you might ask. It is because girls fall in love with the chocolate, not with guy. It is only the sensual feeling they get from chocolates that makes them "fall in love" (Wow, I am really great at dating and romance advice).

The chocolate business is currently a 50 billion dollar industry, mostly because of the geniuses stated above. It is produced by an oligopoly called the "Big Chocolate". 

Behind the divine chocolate taste lies the bitter controversy of massive child labor related to chocolate manufacturing. No, Jack, I am not talking about Charlie and how he owned Willy Wonka's factory. It is a widespread slavery in western Africa, where 10 percent of the total chocolate labor force were kidnapped from their own homes.

And one last tip, and this one is true: Do not feed your pet chocolate. It's toxic to them. Man, they don't know what they're missing.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Ten signs your shrink is crazier than you

(I would use the word "Psychiatrist" if it wasn't too damn long, so please allow me to use the more popular name - shrink. And also, ummmm, this is sarcastic.)

Have you ever been to a shrink? If your answer is yes, that means you have had some issues (which I am not going to meddle with, because I know it's private, and I really don't care.) You have probably been on one of those couches, and while staring at an Edward Cullen poster on the shrink's ceiling (he believes it to be therapeutic), you must have been asked a series of personal questions, relevant to your state of mind, such as "Have you been intimate to a squid for the last forty-eight hours?"

After all those $500 per hour sessions (plus the $600 night club visits if the shrink was not enough), how do you know for sure if the shrink himself is mentally stable to listen to your rants. How do you know if he isn't crazier than thou? These are the ten signs your shrink is crazier than you.

1. "The thigh bone connected to the knee bone" is something he should not say.

2. The biggest certificate on his wall is "Apple County Hotdog Eating Champion."

3. He sells you Sigmund Freud action figures.

4. He always holds a tobacco.

5. His conclusion to all your failed relationships is "He/she must be the Antichrist."

6.  He cancels your shrink session to attend his own shrink session.

7. He calls you "Depression Dude."

8. He has three pictures on his wall: Sigmund Freud, Dr. Phil and Ozzy Osbourne

9. He pays real and genuine attention to your problems.

10. He lets you read my blog.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

There's someone outside the car, Jack.

I'm a fan of zombie stuff: zombie books, movies, songs, games, drinks (drinks?). I'm also a fan of the ultimate zombie, George Romero. And though I know how cheesy some of them might be (blah blah blah), hypothetical zombie apocalypse scenarios always excite me. There is just something about the sub-genre that gives me more thrill than other apocalyptic scenarios.

Basically, there are two types of fictional zombies. The first one is the mystical zombie. To clear things out, I'm not a fan of this type of zombie. I'm a fan of the second one, the scientific zombie. Whether be it from a virus, a special rabies case, or a shortage of the latest Robert Pattinson poster (whoever he is), unwary humans will be turned into the most vicious killers. And unlike the "traditional" zombies who walk to the rhythm of Pachelbel's Canon, these modern

Please rate my geekiness, one being the lowest and five the highest.

To finish, I'll leave a small fact: Did you know that the University of Alabama offers a brief course on "The Living Dead in Literature, Film and Culture"? Of course you don'

Sunday, April 11, 2010

The thigh bone connected to the knee bone

Doctor. It is the second coolest career ever, next to being in Hollywood (and acting as a doctor.) This is one of the things I want to be after eight years, aside from being a Hollywood star, President of the Philippines, spy for the CIA and/or rock star. I've always wanted to say, "You don't snort the pills Mrs. Doris, you drink them with your mouth" and other significant medical advice.  I also want to be able to distinguish and memorize the different colors of phlegm and say the most famous and respected phrase of doctors worldwide. - "say ahhh" And, how awesome would I look like with that metal thingy around my neck.

Why do I want to be a doctor, seriously? I believe that doctors are one of the most significant people in the world. They save lives, help sick people, and give away tongue depressors. I believe that being a doctor is one of the noblest thing to do, and I want to be included in that group of noble people. Doctors are living evidences that compassion and sympathy still exist in our world, and though none of those words really fit me that well, I still want to be a doctor, because believe it or not, my sarcastic heart also has its soft side (that can also win elections.) Doctors are like French fries, if it didn't exist the world would cease to exist.

But there is one common enemy that threatens doctors. Apples. They keep doctors away. They leave them unemployed. Darn that apple, you can do it to Adam, but you cannot do it to the rest of the doctors. 

Thursday, April 8, 2010

You have armpit lice, but they still hug you

Contrary to popular belief, not all people, aside from yourself, are assholes. That is why we have this thing called "friends." Yes, the 7-letter word is one of the coolest entry in our dictionaries. They will always be there; to correct your grammar, criticize your fashion and comfort you in your deepest troubles with alcohol. Friends - what could be more cooler.

Of course, we all have different definitions for friendship. A student may define it as someone who lets him cheat during the exams, a traveller my define it as someone who is willing to suck the poison if he gets bit by a pit viper in the butt. However we define it, we define it with unique intimacy.

I don't give definitions. Friendship is a naturally occuring thing. We do not plan it (most of the time), it just happens. I do not completely believe that friendship is where people share a common intellectual and emotional thingy. Even though your friend believes Edward Cullen and Paris Hilton are the true elected President and Vice-President of Mexico, there will always be a natural, unexplainable, unresistable bond you both share, worthy to be called friendship. Of cours I also believe that some friendships change and must be dropped sometimes. But that's another topic.

This is the part where I greet my friends - hello to all my followers. Thanks for not getting sick of my online sarcasms. To my high school friends who remain my best friends (though some of them do not read my blog) - Vill, Zoilo, Chaos, Jealyn, Kevin and the rest. Thanks for not getting sick of my real life sarcasm. To my college friends - what's up. Thanks for high-fiving my hand everyday. To the people around the globe who read my blog. Thanks for being constant readers. High-five!

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