Saturday, March 27, 2010

Facebook makes you SHINY!

(Note: This is not in any way intended to demote Facebook. The content of this blog post is sarcastic and is only for fun. Please read my header, and keep up buddy. And also, Facebook is awesome!)
What’s up! I’m back! I know you missed me, and I missed me too. Man, I’ve been thorugh a lot of adventures but that is a story for another post. Let me first bring you my comeback post about Facebook. Enjoy (and don’t forget to share this on Facebook and Tweeter)
To date, Facebook has 350 million users, practically comprising of 5 % of the total world population. Yes, your mom, yoga instructor and podiatrist are active users of Facebook (and your podiatrist even posted a status about your last check-up)
Dr Paris Heel-Toe is currently checking up a huge red bump under my patient’s sole which seems to be an unusually large foot pimple.
How did Facebook garner this many users?
It is because Facebook makes an average joe look awesome and cool. Facebook turns average, drooling-over-Megan-Fox-poster you into a new, cool, awesome, shiny, Edward Cullen-y someone. What, you never noticed it? A picked-last-in-gym Facebook user can look like Chuck Norris with one Facebook status update. Want more proof? Let us observe Jack McSurname (Yes, I’m really fond of Jack) and his journey of transition through Facebook.
The Registration:
It all starts when Jack hears some coworkers on the vending machine discussing their “comments being liked.” Since comments are rarely liked in the corporate world, Jack becomes curious. That is until one coworker calls him a dumbass and introduces Facebook, the site that will change Jack into a shiny self-loving hunk/jackass. So Jack registers with his name: jack McSurname, but one colleague tells him to include a nickname to make him look more interesting than he really is, so he makes his profile name Jack “sPaNkMyAsSbAbY” McSurname. That is when he realizes he has family on Facebook.
Friend Request:
This is where Jack does the main thing about Facebook: making connections. He starts to invite friends and family members, until he reaches 16 friends, which was enough already for him. That is until his colleague tells him that he can have friends up to 5000 users. This practically excites Jack, since he only has 6 friends in real life (that includes his turtle, Megatron). So he begins to invite all mutual friends. Finally he reaches 5000 and by this time he is “friends” with all kinds of people, to the ex-boyfriend of the math teacher of his nephew’s best friend which is a hairdresser in Siberia, to the uncle of the dentist of his coworker’s nephew which is the official belly-dancing instructor of the FBI.

Status, Comments and Liking
Welcome, Jack to the interactive world of Facebook – Status updates! This is where Jack begins to transform into a cool being by nit being himself. That is by being pretentious or speaking stuff you don’t normally speak in real life. Here Jack can talk about poverty, corruption, existentialism; everything that might make him awesome. Remember, Jack: you cannot be yourself in the status or you’ll end talking about the armpit rash you had when you were 14.
Dr Paris Heel-Toe is listening to Footloose. What a coincidence since I’m a podiatrist and the title says “foot.”
Jack “sPaNkMyAsSbAbY” McSurname Why do we have to benefit from the positive functions of poverty? Why does the proletariat and the bourgeoisie exist in the first place.
Justin “iAmCuTe” Babier oMg…I jUsT gOt KicKeD bY a MoOsE iN tHe nUts…tOtallY hUrTz…lOl lMaO…tHoUgH I dOn’T kNoW wHt tHoSe wOrDs mEaN…!.!
Jack then gets a sleepless night, wondering how many likes and comment he will get from his “profound” status update. The next day, unfortunately, of the 5000 friends he got, only his grandma Gina liked it and that is because Facebook hadn’t invented the dislike button yet. It is followed by a comment: oMg you are starting to read this. Continue to read this or you will be infected by Edward Cullen’s armpit lice after three days! This is true! See more…
This is where Jack starts to think he is in and out, online and offline, truly awesome (and by reading this blog post so far I hope you have gotten the real meaning of “awesome” I’m trying to convey.) Jack, armed with a phone camera, begins to snap pictures of practically everything. He takes picture of himself in the mirror, takes fake stolen shots, everything. And the worst part is when he tags you in all the pictures, and I mean all.
Guys, I took a picture of a booger I wiped last week on the bathroom wall and if you look closely it kinda resembles a picture of Hitler. What could this possibly mean?!
Guys, look at my morning crap! It looks watery and green right. Two seconds ago it was even bubbling! I should go to a gynecologist now
Fan Pages and Apps
Finally, Jack must decide what fan page will match his awesome identity on Facebook. Now there are a lot of choices. We have those normal fan pages, you know, the fan pages of real actors and musicians and writers. Then there are also the other fan pages, such as “I get orgasms whenever I use cocaine” and “Join if you have left a dead hitchhiker on the street” which only allows fans who are truly pure and simple and live clean lives. Statement fan pages, you know, those “whoa that happens to me all the time” are fan pages meant for aliens who are trying to study our earthly activities.
Then we have the apps. Jack can play anything, from Farmwars, where people throw virtual eggs to each other, and Mafiaville, which is like playing Sims, only set in Moscow. Sooner or later Jack’s friends will receive this on their news Feed: Help! Jack is about to sleep with the fishes in Mafia ville.
Jack and Facebook is victorious once again for converting Jack, an average, no-girlfriend-since-16 guy into Jack, awesome, cool, shinier than Edward Cullen and is in a relationship with Svetlana. (Svetlana, sounds like a hot name. But actually it’s his chameleon, which he had secretly been kissing every night for the past month in hopes of turning her into a princess.)

.Join my fan page! Click here!


  1. CrullerxxCruller1221March 29, 2010 at 1:11 AM

    LOL!!!! am gonna share this! I'm so like the photos...its hard to admit! But never caught a pic of my own crap that's for sure@!

  2. I think that I've gone through most of these phases. Now I've become "blog promoter Facebook guy." Facebook works because you can use it in so many ways. You can have everyone from the guy who posts pictures of every meal to a person who only updates their status every six months. You can play games, promote a business, or make yourself think you have friends. It's the ultimate social life for people who don't have much of one.

  3. I had always imagined the prime reason behind Facebook's popularity to be the the ease with which you could network and stay in touch with people (who you'd probably not even care to talk with otherwise). However, your perspective is rather interesting and way you spin it into a story makes it an excellent read.

    P.S. Remove Disclaimers (There was neither any exaggeration in this post nor anything offensive. It painted a rather true picture, which some people (Read: the Jacks of FB) might not wish to hear. But who cares, it's true!)


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