Friday, April 23, 2010

She bit me in the ass: A guide to zombie apocalypse survival

Do you believe in the possibility of a zombie apocalypse? I sure do.

Most of you normal people may not have thought of the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. For me, there was never a week I did not sit on a chair and think "Whoa, a zombie attack would be pretty inconvenient" (I really have a hectic schedule). At first, when the walking zombies (I'm looking at you Mia Jovovich) were still dominating the zombie movie industry, I was like "What's up with you, man? You can dance the 'locomotion' in their midst and they still wouldn't get you." Then they created the...wait for it... running zombie!

Would you survive a zombie apocalypse? What should we really do in case of a zombie attack.

I have compiled from all over my brain, (its a pretty wide search engine) things to do in a zombie apocalypse. First, when the crazies on the street start to hang those cardboards of doom over their necks, believe them and give them money for crack. Next, if the news starts to show zombie waves in varying regions in your country, pay attention and do not make love, talk to the telephone or party while the news is running. That is if you don't want to wake up the next morning with dentures sunk on your neck, and a hangover.

The next one is to prepare yourself for the invasion. In classic zombie movies, the whole neighborhood always turns into zombies except you. Being lucky enough to be the protagonist, what should you do? There are two choices: The first one is locking yourself in. Close all windows and doors and reinforce them, for extra protection. The flaw in this plan is that 84% of people who had tried locking themselves in their houses from zombies forget the backdoor.

The second plan is to get your car out of the garage and sweep the neighborhood streets. The flaw in this plan is that you tend to lose diesel, and zombies from gas stations are the most vicious zombies, according to the "What type of capitalist zombie are you" quiz from Facebook. If you ask me, a survivor of two zombie attacks, I would go for the second choice.

And speaking of Facebook, you should always update your status, so do not forget to bring your laptops and secure your mobiles.

        Jack McSurname oMg I jUst cUt oFf a zOmbiE aRm!...! iT's sTilL wRigGliNg iN dA tRunK...

That way you will be able to notify your Facebook friends. That is if they haven't turned into zombies yet. And also, expect that 88 percent of your tweeter followers are now infected, so no one will read your latest tweet anymore:

        jackSpANKME @paris_heeltoe1355 you just bit a chunk off my ass. but I'm okay...thought you should know! damn #zombies!!!

After running away from your neighborhood, find uninfected people. There is power in numbers. You can all find shelter, where you can build a reinforcement and wait for the military to rescue you. Be sure to judge a suitable shelter based on its survival benefits, not because it has an indoor swimming pool, or else you'll be swimming in blood, and probably a zombie lifeguard's blood at that. However, do not be overdependent to your buddies, even if they are man enough to face the horde. I don't care if your new found boyfriend is as manly and brave as Justin Bieber, you can all still get in deep trouble if you do not retain a sense of independence. Having clumsy buddies by your side is actually an advantage. When they trip and become food for the zombies, they buy you time to escape. Remember, there is wisdom in cowardice. Also, be wary of the people you meet. Zombies sometimes pose like the uninfected to attract people, and morons are tastier to them, so be on alert. Resist them, even if one looks like Megan Fox without the half of her face. Remember this: They all look like half-faced Megan Foxes.

Now, good luck finding rescue. If you'll excuse me, I have to pee.


  1. I AM SO LOVING YOU NOW, Asher-Writes. This is funny, got me ooff my zombie phobia! Love the "AS MANLY AND BRAVE AS JUSTIN BIEBER!" I hope I meet you whenenever this happens. We can build our "uninfected force"

  2. Nice job zombie fan. Be careful, a zombie might bite you in the ass while you pee.


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