Thursday, January 28, 2010

You've said that the nth time already!

The very word conjures negative words. Politicians. Our interest in them is as fanatic as our interest in the Dewey Decimal System (sorry, librarians). We direly wish to deport our very own politicians somewhere else, wherever we live. Though we may be politically active in the manner of tracking our votes and checking our laws and stuff, we never find interest in the suited-up politicians whose real expertise is in the grueling field of smiling.

Its presidential elections year here in the Philippines. Politicians parade their butts down the street with this exact routine: (1) Megaphones blare, announces the politician's name and how awesome and cool and gorgeous they are in their suits. (2) Politicians go down the truck, shake hands and says the script, "I'm *name* running for *office*, you must have heard the megaphone announcing how awesome I am but I just came down here to tell you that again myself." He then turns around, applies hand sanitizer and harasses the next unwary voter.

Politicians pay a lot of money for their staff; speech writers, PR, etc. They build up the force of the politician's drive towards the office. These are essential people they might want to add to their staff in order to build that politically-powerful force they desire.

1. Dandruff Monitor- Essential to the image of the politicians. They provide an efficient service of monitoring and exterminating white specks on the politician's shoulders we common folks call the "dandruff." This will add to the overall charisma of the politician. A good smile is never enough.

2. Funnier Jokes Writer- A must for old politicians since we don't laugh at the "Even Perfecto is not perfect" joke anymore.

3. Perspiration Control Team- This will take more than three people. The ultimate politician's dream (except the office itself, of course). It is a known fact that when someone says lies and crap, perspiration increases. This is where the PCT comes in. Armed with a towel, baby powder and a strong stomach, these experts will turn a perspiring "I did not steal money" politician into a dry, handsome, 'I will serve the country truthfully" politician. Lying had never been easier.

Last thing, stop promising things you had already promised for the last three terms of your office.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Its 50 million people's day too, Asher

It's my birthday. What could be more fun, more exciting, and more breath-taking to do than doing this on your special day: Blogging! (Oh dude, you're such a loser)

Don't you call me that, today's my birthday (whoa, there's immunity?), and unlike some weird people, I only have one of it. That is why though millions of birthday celebrants today claim this as their day, I'm still happy I don't get to land on a date like Feb, 29. Practically, I highly prefer a birthday party with all the goodies, clowns and parlor games, but maturity dictates me to do something boring called "booze with buddies."

Birthdays. Why do we celebrate it? Since my last birthday, about 31,536,000 seconds have passed (Yes, Jack, I counted.) I've only had three haircuts since my last birthday, (It's because I feel frail and weak before a pair of scissors.) 76,570,430 people had been added to the world's population since you blowed your last birthday candle. An average garden snail (you know, the one you saw in your living room last week while shouting "snake, there's a snake in the room!") travels about 0.3 mph. If it gave you a weird birthday present of walking non-stop till your next birthday, it'd have traveled 263 miles.

Why we celebrate it.? Because all of the statistical data I've mentioned just made another year of our lives sound cooler (high-5).

Happy Birthday to me, and to the millions who selfishly claims this day as their own.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

All The Single...Damn It!

"Oh well a you dum dum, a wina finally found you, a hathaway suit hashish a hot that I met it..."

Wait, before you refer me to rehab, that is supposed to be Jason Mraz's song, 'I'm Yours' which has been bugging my mind on the way to school. I obviously don't know the lyrics, and I'm not a fan of the song (what?!? would probably be the reaction of the many) , but when I heard it on the radio this morning, a certain phenomenon occurred.

We've all had it. It afflicts millions, no billions of people everyday, and many are not aware. Unfortunately, there is no cure for....LSS (Average listener: NOOOOOOOO!!!, Record Producer: *evil laugh*)

Last Song Syndrome (or LSS, for the sake of my fingers) is simply repeating and repeating the last song you heard until your pissed (you were expecting something more psychologically profound, weren't you. Okay, if you want that read more.)

LSS could also be called earworm or musical imagery, which is the phenomenon of hearing and repeating a line of a song. Theodore Reik (1888-1969) made the first study on the subject, calling the phenomenon, haunting memory. (Probably he'd been LSS-ing Beethoven's Ode to Joy.)

So what have you been humming lately. Have you sang 'I Gotta Feeling' whilst cleaning the dishes, or sang 'Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take yah' (Kokomo) with your lowest voice while in a bus. Have you passed LSS to someone by singing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight'

"Asher, why do you have an image of barbie here?" You've just made the wrongest question of your day. It's because "I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie wooooorld. Life in plastic, it's so fantastic."

To leave you with the ultimate torture, here is Beyonce Knowles with, Single Ladies!
(In case you are wondering, the ear above is not mine)

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Hangovers are worth it, I guess

We drink it, shampoo with it, even wash our plates with it. Who doesn't love beer

As a matter of fact, we love beer so much, it has already been battered for centuries. We use beer in every excuse possible. "Oh, I'm sorry I wasn't able to go to your  'Bodybuilders for Hello Kitty Fans Day ', I was drunk...with beer (you don't say)."  We use it as an excuse to act like idiots. "I'm sorry I microwaved your thesis, I was so drunk." It is almost equivalent to 'wife' for the singles. "Oh, I'm sorry. I had to bring my beer to the hospital"

Actually, the one in your hand right now while reading this crappy blog is the world's oldest and most widely consumed alcoholic beverage. It is the third most popular drink after water and tea.

Beer has always been in history. The code of Hammurabi actually has a regulations on bars and taverns. There is actually a goddess of beer, Ninkasi. (You're thinking of changing churches aren't you?) The brewing industry in the present is worth $294.5 billion.

If you come to think of it, what made you puke last night is classier than thou.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

How about THIS for a Resolution

My persistence in keeping New Year Resolutions is as strong as my persistence in eating Chinese with a straw.

I've made a lot of resolutions; eat more vegetables, get a decent haircut, be less sarcastic, be more sarcastic. A few I got through three (broccoli diet and decent hair-cut degraded to bad hair) months. Most only got through the New year hangover.

So I decided one major decision that will change my every "What's your New Year's Resolution" conversations for the years to come. I made the very resolution I'm sure to keep:

I will not make any New Year's Resolutions, ever.

That's right. Aside from my perfection (you can throw that squishy tomato towards the screen right now) I only come up with automatic resolutions whenever someone corners me and starts the "Here we go again, what's your new year's resolution" conversation.

Speaking of resolutions, Rome takes the winner New Year's Resolution for holding the very last gladiatorial competition, (computed modern date) January 1, 404

HAPPY NEW YEAR! (Yeah I'm late, whatever)

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