Thursday, February 11, 2010

How NOT to get a date on Valentines

Valentines Day is only a couple of days to go. Of the many years I've seen the event fly through our calendars, I still don't know whether to spell it as "Valentines" or "Valentine's." Yes I don't seem to know much about Valentines (or the other spelling, whatever.)


Yes, it is a fact that I'm a Valentines Ignoramus. Until now I still don't get why men would give their special someone those furry little balls called Teddy Bears, which was in fact originally made for Teddy Roosevelt's campaign and not for Valentines."Oh, honey, you're giving me ancient political paraphernalia for Valentines, that is the sweetest!" And the rose, yes the roses. Why is it that when women receive roses, it's like they're the first and only woman in the world to have received such. "Oh honey, you're giving me roses this Valentines Day, that is so creative. (Sniffs roses) I never thought roses smelled like this. Oh sweetheart, only Da Vinci would have thought of such a brilliant and unique idea."


Okay, maybe I'm being too cynical again, as always. Go celebrate Valentines Day. Celebrate that you're a couple, which is practically like celebrating a routine you've been sharing since...forever. It's like celebrating flossing your teeth, or drinking coffee, or going to the comfort room on a regular basis.





"What a bitter goon this Asher is," might be what is running in your heads right now. I'm not bitter of Valentines and of people who enjoy the company of their sweethearts, sweetie pies, yum cakes, honey bunch, purple haze, papaya pulp, (whatever they call them.) It just so happened that I'm currently single. Lonely Valentines? I don't think so. I kind of like it. In fact, I like it so much that I have come up with tips on how NOT to get a date this Valentines (a proper compilation and a desperate publisher is all I need to get this on the shelves, baby!) First tip, when meeting someone, introduce yourself by saying your name, followed by a rhyming word: "Hi, I'm Annie, I like spaghetti" or "Hi, I'm Jack, I like to hack" or "Hi, I'm Chuck, I like to ffff....fly. When invited to the movies, reply with this: Okay sure, are you a fan of Star Wars. Join my "Jar Jar Binks is hotter than Chewbacca." fan page on Facebook.


That's the second tip: Third, give him/her a Valentines Card with this message:

Happy Valentines

Your presence and smile
your elegance and charm
your beauty and wisdom
it reminds me of a very awesome person:
Dr. Phil

Happy Valentines


Last tip on how NOT to get a Valentines date: Just be yourself.


Seriously, Happy Valentines to all the couples out there. Hope you have a very wonderful day of hearts. (Especially to the elderly couples out there, I salute you. You've never given to the latest trend more popular than IPod, divorce)

5 comments:

  1. It's speeled Valentine's because Valentine was a person. The day was named after him so it's Valentine's. :)

    Anyhoo, your as funny and sacarstic as always. I just don't get the connection between the picture and the post though.

    ReplyDelete
  2. @James

    That picture wasn't supposed to be there. LOL . It's now a picture of Vincent from Ghost Fighters

    ReplyDelete
  3. u know good post for your approach, but it made me lil bit nervous and couldnt fully get what u wanted to tell us :)
    btw Happy Valentine's Day, hope your tips dun work tday ;)

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'd call this your best post (from whatever posts I've managed to read so far). For two reasons:

    1. I totally share your ideas on Valentine's Day (Not because I've been single, but because it forms a lame excuse for all the stupid chicks out there to threaten their stupider and poor boyfriends into giving them cliched gifts).

    2. Love the cynicism, sarcasm, humour and the honesty:
    "Last tip on how NOT to get a Valentines date: Just be yourself." (though I'd rather read that as: "Last tip on how not to get some dumb chick to burn holes in your pockets.) - I understand your need to be politically correct ;).

    ReplyDelete

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