Monday, May 31, 2010

A loser's guide to dating women

Dating has always been a problem for losers, century after century after century. Not that they always venture on the art of dating, but when they do, they always fail hard on the floor. This may in time lead to a series of devastating effect. The propagation of losers will be halted if this problem continues. Who will be the losers of the future, huh? Who would our grandchildren tease in gym class. Also, the video game industry will subside drastically, together with the knitted vest, comic book and root beer industry. That is why, me, a very concerned citizen has created the ultimate dating guide for losers. (I believe the word "loser" is politically incorrect in some tribes, but I think of the word as someone who just hasn't won yet).

Let us follow Jack McSurname in his quest to find ultimate love, and maybe with this guide you'll get one too.

Dating Guide 1: Jack McSurname is a loser, and the closest thing to love that he knows is the stray frogs he hunts at the local pond, which he kisses one by one every midnight. Now, we shall help him find love. And where is the coolest place to find love for a loser like Jack? That is right, avid reader, dating sites. My first tip for Jack and to all guys out there is to surf different adult dating sites. Still, that wouldn't be enough. Jack should create a convincing profile:

NAME: Jack hOt4ss McSurname (the nickname is a total hit)
AGE: 18 (we had to make him 25 years younger, didn't we).
SEX: Whatever you want me to be, babe (we have to make him sound witty and sexy at the same time. Women, and apparently men like those kinds of things).
PROFESSION: Lion Tamer (of course we know Jack is in fact working in a pantyhose recycling facility, but that isn't "dating site cool." Now lion tamer, that is definitely cool!
HOBBIES AND ACTIVITIES: Everything that makes me sweat and look like a jock (this is to summarize all the things he would NEVER ever do. He's allergic to his own sweat).

Now to polish the profile further, we have to put a profile picture. Yeah, but we cannot possibly place his real face there, please. That is why I have another solution, male anime pictures. Placing secretive anime pictures make Jack sexy and mysterious.

Now, search for hot and eligible girls from the said dating site. Don't fuss if all of their profile pictures are either side view, black and white, taken in front of a bathroom mirror, or the face practically not wholly visible. They do it to create suspense and mystery, just as what you are doing with the anime pic. If you are done picking, PM them and let the first date begin!

Dating Guide 2: Now here comes the date, I'm pretty sure Jack is so damn excited and nervous of this upcoming event. Now here is the ultimate tip that I might give to Jack and to all readers today; Just be yourself. Of course, I know it is totally different from your dating site profile. But, how are you going to fake 3-time Olympic gold medalist in real life? 

Now, before going to the big day, Jack must try being in the latest fashion. That only means one thing; Pants on the ground! Jack can wear any jeans he has, use strings as belt, put inside his pocket a variety of chains and stuff, wear it up to his knees, and there you go. Pants on the ground. If you like to uphold to your anime pic then go cosplay style. Don't mind your flabby fat popping out of your sailor moon costume. At least you are kewl!

Dating Guide 3: It is time to meet her, the woman who might change the future of Jack's life. Now Jack, be cool. The first thing to do is to greet her with your remarkable fluency in Klingon. 

 yIn tIq 'ej chep

Check for signs. If she is raising an eyebrow, do not worry. It is a sign that she is amazed by your fluency. Now take her to one of your favorite restaurants, TGIF (Thank Google I'm a Freak). Get the specialty, "Spock's Foot in Voldemort sauce". I am sure she will enjoy it so much that she will spit and vomit all of it, believing her tongue is not worthy of such great food.

If you want to converse, just start with the usual things you talk about. Your date's vomit can be one,

 "You should take the Facebook quiz, What does your vomit color tell about your dog's personality' "

Give the martian waiter a large tip to impress your date. An autographed picture of yourself  in Cosplay could be one.

Now to leave your date with a gift, give her something she will treasure her entire life. How about one of your collectibles, like Adolf Hitler's stool sample. Believe me, she'll love it so much she'll forget to bring it home.

Remember these things: If she leaves you in the middle of the date, that just means she has been awestruck by your incredible aura. If she slaps you, that means she can't get her hands off of you. Now you'll be able to say to yourself, who is the loser now huh? Look at you, Jack McSurname, what a stud!!

As always, Live long and prosper! And don't call her again, like forever. She doesn't have a number, right?

*above is a Google image

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