Thursday, February 18, 2010

Ten signs your date is a radioactive zombie-eating alligator

You both went to the movies, had dinner in a fancy restaurant, and said good-byes in the most romantic way. It was the perfect date. You're probably planning a second one, but before you do, read more.

There had been sightings of them for the past thirty minutes I made this phenomenon up; in Canada, Brazil to Indonesia, even in the bathroom of your local Starbucks. They appear in attractive feminine forms, and they have but two goals. First is to supply their minor planet with one of the most precious energy source only found on earth: The glitter and sparkle of Edward Cullen (what's up with them right?). Next is to sustain their knowledge of our planet by reading a very important (and awesome, by the way) document: the asherwrites blog.

They lurk in our planet preying for every single male who resembles a sparkly vampire. They are the (pause, and then choke) Radioactive Zombie-Eating Alligators from Pluto! (*gasp* *choke* *diddly* *yodel*)

There are signs your last date is one. Check these signs to see if your date is indeed a parasite from Pluto, seeking every male for the precious energy source.

1. She glowed inside the cinema.

2. She gave the waiter a series of blinks, similar to Morse-code, and you got a free dessert.

3. She whispered sweet nothings through subliminal and telepathic messages.

4. The snow was too damn hot for her

5. A romantic movie date for her was "Dawn of the Dead"

6. She didn't give her phone number. She'll find you, she claims.

7. Your name is Jack, but she keeps calling you "male earthling."

8. She didn't want you to drop her by her house. It's is "pretty damn far," she said.

9. She overloads when you talk about Twilight (seriously, you talk about Twilight? What's up with that dude?)

10. She's out of your league.

If any of these signs appear, dump her, before she dumps you. Dumps you to a minor planet called Pluto. (Well, if there was any compensation, she did think you were Edward Cullen.)


  1. LOL, fun always good to have a great laugh to start the day. Thanks.



  2. If we couldn't have moments of pure absurdity such as this blog post, life would simply not be worth living. Now, since this appealed to my sense of humor, does this make me a potential Zombie Chic? Somehow I think the neon green glow would just clash w/ my Irish complexion, so I'll pass on becoming part of that little unique social club. Now, in the interests of equal time for the sexes, I challenge you to write a post about the bizarre vagaries of the male zombie type. Ha!

    ~ Dawn

  3. For a moment, I too was worried that I might be a potential Zombie Chic ... but then I realized that Edward Cullen and his sparkly friends have to power over me, and sighed a sigh of relief - I'm safe!

    But, like Dawn suggested, I too would like to see a post about the male zombie types!

  4. Aher, sometimes I can't believe we're classmates and good friends. You have such a wild imagination that is painted with sarcasm and cynicism! Nevertheless, I have to agree with those who commented before met that this is a funny post. And I too am interested in the zombie eating alligator from Pluto dude. Just want to make sure that I'm not one (based on your bizarre standards). :)

  5. You have a very unique sense of humor and perspective on life, Asher...thanks for sharing it with us!

  6. Thanks guys! I'm thinking about the dude version, but it won't be coming from Pluto. LOL

  7. For some reason, all my comments keep disappearing.

    Never trust a girl with a finger stuck in her teeth.




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