Monday, November 29, 2010

Pretentious Douchebags!!!

We all know one. We all hate one.

Pretentious douchebags - the worst of all the douchebags (before this would be the Starbucks douchebags). Philosophers the world over contemplates on their existence. Statisticians worry on their increasing population. The military plans on their eradication, and bloggers...well.. bloggers rant on why one is sitting right next to them (good job breaking the rhyme).

How do we exactly detect and categorize one to be included in this group. While some might say the definition of a "pretentious douchebag" is subjective, I think most will agree with what I will list below. (For the sake of my fragile, china porcelain fingers, I shall refer to Pretentious Douchebags as "PD").

PD # 1 - Gadget PDs
That's right. The scum of the technological world. Their script: "I bought 3 IPads from the mall and threw it out of the window, for no reason. While I upload some new pics of me and my cat on my 84 websites and social networking profiles, I'll just play some sex-themed music on my monster D-Bag 2000 Stereo Surround Sound Stereo while I send a tweet to my 7 followers" 

The girlfriend-less scum portrays all their majestic douchebaggery to compensate for the fact that they can never talk to a woman in a bar, and that they never go to bars.

PD# 2 - The Big Words PDs
They sound like Noah Webster being forced to eat page after page of his newly edited dictionary. Their script: "My neurotransmitters are situated as echelons while I divulge to my audience what my cognitive processes mainly focuses on at the moment, the quintessence of my mind: my speech. Also, what I just said did not make sense and I just wanted to impress a dozen of other PDs."

Seriously, what's up with the heavy words? No one thinks your cool, no one thinks you will ever be cool. Whatever you do in life, you will never, ever be cool. That is why you have to stop using those words.

PD# 3 - The Newly-Elected PDs
Somehow, these PDs got elected or appointed in some sort of office. That is why their PD meter grows exponentially high. Their script: "As the newly elected undersecretary of the undersecretary of the Society for the Appreciation of the Yellowness of Mustard, I would like to say, I deserve this so much, and you did the right thing of electing me. Now, I shall officially start ignoring you because I am now formally and on legal documents considered "better than you".

Believe me. I know a lot of these PDs. Those people who suddenly become your BFFs because they see you as one big walking ballot for various beauty contests or elections and ignore you when they win.

Okay, I'm gonna end it here.

So, aside from what I have listed here, what other PDs can you think of? Place it on the comment section below.

(got the photo from photobucket)

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

What smoking actually looks like

(Again, I do not intend to offend smokers. I got friends who are smokers. This is a sarcastic, satirical criticism on the habit, not on the smoker. Yeah, but still...)

I have recently discovered some facts that may possibly not surprise a lot of you people (so much for an opening). It's about smoking.  It is the deadliest habit in the world. Apparently it accounts for 5 million deaths a year, according to WHO. This also makes the vice the second deadliest thing ever seen in our planet, coming close to nuclear wedgie. These facts are indeed frightening. That is why we tend to ask why a lot of people still do it.

I know why. It is because it is almost a religion, focusing on its most valued verse: Smoking is Kewl!

You see, smoking has been repeatedly advertised as the ultimate cool thing.

Let me show you a simple scenario:
Jack smokes in the alley, a beautiful woman passes by. This is what Jack thinks the woman thinks when she sees him: "Ohhhh, how noble and erect this young man is? That cigarette he wields is as the swords of a million shining knights. And the smell, oh the smell. If Utopia had air conditioning, this would be the exact ecstatic scent. Blow unto my face, young lad"

But then again, all of this is delusion. This is what smoking actually looks like. This is what the beautiful woman actually thinks: Oh crap, another one who thinks smoking is cool. Not only is it not cool, it's also very 1980s. I mean, really? And the smell, don't mention the smell. Its like halitosis and Diarrhea made out and had babies.

Guys, its not too late to quit. I have found a wikihow article on how to quit smoking that might help a lot.

Its not too late to see that it's not cool either. See, Darth Vader does not smoke. Mr. T does not smoke. I do not smoke. Non-smoking is the new heavy metal. And I have also heard somewhere that smoking may be related to erectile dysfunction. If limp is the new cool then I say go do whatever you want.

If you still believe smoking is "cool", let this be an eye opener:

Damn right, Robert Pattinson smokes.

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