So Long, Long Hair, So Long!

For the past few days I've been having fever. And the worst part is it was on the night of my birthday that the fever started. It kept on for a couple of days, the fever swelling through my neck. Then one day my mom told me something that would change my life forever (or for the rest of the semester).

"You need to have your hair cut."

It seemed like time and space contradicted each other and I was drawn into the resulting black hole from the collapse of the laws of physics. It seemed like all religious foundations in which nations all over the world had been found had come into total discrepancy. It seemed like the mores and norms, the taboos and folkways of the modern mainstream societies had vanished, causing our world to go back to barbarism and pillaging. In other words:

I didn't want to have the haircut.

"What does it have to do with my fever?" I questioned

"Well, you look more sick with that type of hairdo. And also it looks...itchy."

"It's ugly?"

"Yeah. It's ugly."

Mom was not the first person to hate my do. Mom would be a part of the army of millions dedicated to convincing Asher to have his hair shortened. Mentioning a few members of the said army would be siblings, classmates, professors, friends, and church mates. They had formed a fellowship that aims for the reduction of the follicular production on my head.

Their day of victory has finally come.

I had my haircut last Saturday evening. And I did not have any regrets.

There was a reason I sported a long do. I wanted to at least separate myself from the bland oatmeal that was my school, where everyone needed to conform with everything, from the type of music to the fashion statement to the general opinion on the significance of Snooki's chest cramps to environmentalism. I wanted to be a little bit different. I wanted to be dissimilar.

I guess that college phase really had to end some time.

I now have short hair. Well, actually it's not very short, but I think I'll keep this for the remainder of my college days. I will sure miss the hair that, as Willow Smith puts it, may be whipped back and forth.


*photo was google searched

Over-reviewing sucks!

I hate this day. I spent the whole night last night reviewing for a quiz that involves cranial and spinal nerves. Then, the day for the quiz came, I ate my breakfast and lunch, drank milk, and ate a banana, to energize myself with starch. Finally, the hour of judgement came, and lo, I was judged most tremendously.


Questions. No, interrogations chewed me up the very moment I glanced upon the test paper, and all that was on my mind was "I knew I read this, I friggin' read this somewhere in the book. I even saw a GIF animation of it on the internet, but I cannot remember the name of these hanging things below the pointy thing." After the quiz, I reminisced on the valuable evening I spent  shoving notes down my nasal cavity. I cursed the memory, together with the banana and its freaking starch.

 Maybe I over-reviewed, which is something I usually do whenever the Hale-Bopp comet passes by our planet. I experienced perhaps what laymen call the "mental block". Whatever happened gave disappointment that brought about this thought: What if instead of reviewing the functions of the oculomotor nerve last night, I reviewed more important, significant things, like:


1. Zombie Apocalypse Cosmetology:The science of applying make-up on yourself so that you can pretend to be a zombie and the undead won't lay a finger on you.
2. Internet Marketing Strategies: The proper way of spamming Facebook walls and forums.
3. Popular Adolescent Literary Creations: Writing the next "Twilight".


Now these topics might have given me much more benefit than knowing about preganglionic neurons. But no, I gave up on these significant subjects to give time to remember what the hanging things below the pointy thing were called. And the sad thing was, I remembered it seconds after I passed my paper. Cauda Equina! I knew it sounded something like Megan Fox...or not. 

Pretentious Douchebags!!!

We all know one. We all hate one.

Pretentious douchebags - the worst of all the douchebags (before this would be the Starbucks douchebags). Philosophers the world over contemplates on their existence. Statisticians worry on their increasing population. The military plans on their eradication, and bloggers...well.. bloggers rant on why one is sitting right next to them (good job breaking the rhyme).

How do we exactly detect and categorize one to be included in this group. While some might say the definition of a "pretentious douchebag" is subjective, I think most will agree with what I will list below. (For the sake of my fragile, china porcelain fingers, I shall refer to Pretentious Douchebags as "PD").

PD # 1 - Gadget PDs
That's right. The scum of the technological world. Their script: "I bought 3 IPads from the mall and threw it out of the window, for no reason. While I upload some new pics of me and my cat on my 84 websites and social networking profiles, I'll just play some sex-themed music on my monster D-Bag 2000 Stereo Surround Sound Stereo while I send a tweet to my 7 followers" 


The girlfriend-less scum portrays all their majestic douchebaggery to compensate for the fact that they can never talk to a woman in a bar, and that they never go to bars.


PD# 2 - The Big Words PDs
They sound like Noah Webster being forced to eat page after page of his newly edited dictionary. Their script: "My neurotransmitters are situated as echelons while I divulge to my audience what my cognitive processes mainly focuses on at the moment, the quintessence of my mind: my speech. Also, what I just said did not make sense and I just wanted to impress a dozen of other PDs."


Seriously, what's up with the heavy words? No one thinks your cool, no one thinks you will ever be cool. Whatever you do in life, you will never, ever be cool. That is why you have to stop using those words.


PD# 3 - The Newly-Elected PDs
Somehow, these PDs got elected or appointed in some sort of office. That is why their PD meter grows exponentially high. Their script: "As the newly elected undersecretary of the undersecretary of the Society for the Appreciation of the Yellowness of Mustard, I would like to say, I deserve this so much, and you did the right thing of electing me. Now, I shall officially start ignoring you because I am now formally and on legal documents considered "better than you".


Believe me. I know a lot of these PDs. Those people who suddenly become your BFFs because they see you as one big walking ballot for various beauty contests or elections and ignore you when they win.


Okay, I'm gonna end it here.

So, aside from what I have listed here, what other PDs can you think of? Place it on the comment section below.


(got the photo from photobucket)

What smoking actually looks like

(Again, I do not intend to offend smokers. I got friends who are smokers. This is a sarcastic, satirical criticism on the habit, not on the smoker. Yeah, but still...)

I have recently discovered some facts that may possibly not surprise a lot of you people (so much for an opening). It's about smoking.  It is the deadliest habit in the world. Apparently it accounts for 5 million deaths a year, according to WHO. This also makes the vice the second deadliest thing ever seen in our planet, coming close to nuclear wedgie. These facts are indeed frightening. That is why we tend to ask why a lot of people still do it.

I know why. It is because it is almost a religion, focusing on its most valued verse: Smoking is Kewl!

You see, smoking has been repeatedly advertised as the ultimate cool thing.

Let me show you a simple scenario:
Jack smokes in the alley, a beautiful woman passes by. This is what Jack thinks the woman thinks when she sees him: "Ohhhh, how noble and erect this young man is? That cigarette he wields is as the swords of a million shining knights. And the smell, oh the smell. If Utopia had air conditioning, this would be the exact ecstatic scent. Blow unto my face, young lad"


But then again, all of this is delusion. This is what smoking actually looks like. This is what the beautiful woman actually thinks: Oh crap, another one who thinks smoking is cool. Not only is it not cool, it's also very 1980s. I mean, really? And the smell, don't mention the smell. Its like halitosis and Diarrhea made out and had babies.


Guys, its not too late to quit. I have found a wikihow article on how to quit smoking that might help a lot.


Its not too late to see that it's not cool either. See, Darth Vader does not smoke. Mr. T does not smoke. I do not smoke. Non-smoking is the new heavy metal. And I have also heard somewhere that smoking may be related to erectile dysfunction. If limp is the new cool then I say go do whatever you want.

If you still believe smoking is "cool", let this be an eye opener:

Damn right, Robert Pattinson smokes.

Why I hate hallways

My college building is nothing but hallways. My college building has actually won awards for its prolific construction of hallways. College buildings from faraway lands have heard of the tales of my college building hallways. Minstrels sang songs about the legend of my college building hallways.


The college building did not have hallways before. But when they heard I was going to enroll in the university and learned about my lifetime hatred of hallways. They decide to construct hallways. Story of my life.


I despise hallways. Things get really sucky in the hallways. Here are my reasons:


1) The hallway camera gals: The witches of hallway-land. They wait for you, on your tardiest moments. They watch out for you, rushing to your class like a desperate doe yearning for the lake. Then, when the Asher and the witches meet in the hallway, they bring out these devices, called "cameras" by the wise. One witch goes to the left wall of the hallway with the said device, and the remaining witches pose in a rather lustful manner. Then the device flashes out bright light that captures the moment. As you awkwardly wait for them to finish, they laugh in victory, for they have stalled you victoriously. And when you think they are done, they pose some more, leaving you in agony and defeat.


2) The "May I steal a few minutes of your time" dudes: The taboo of the hallway. One must not speak of the "9 words" question. Most importantly, one must not answer "Yes" to the question. If you have already answered affirmatively, then it is too late for you. But for some who will be in future risk, I must warn you. The "few minutes" they propose is actually equivalent to a precious eternity. Then you will have to face the excruciating offers for free toenail products, polls and surveys on "Which is sexier: Edward Cullen's earwax or Harry Potter's nose hair", and opinions on how armpit odor contribute to global warming. You have been warned.



3) S#it, that's my CRUSH: Damn right, its your crush. This is most unfortunate, especially on days when you decide to wear nothing but Tweety boxers to class (wait...thats just me?), and you see your crush, elegantly frolicking down hallway with...with man-arms around her. I should have worn Snoopy boxers that day.



What do you hate most about hallways?

I have to squeeze the lemon!

In the most urgent of times, nature always gives me the unfortunate urge of wanting to pee. I mean, really? I was just in the middle of a World War III scenario, battling Martian overlords when:

Martian Overlord: aUEFhhfhIHEUh! bubabdIDoKWn!

General Asher: Okay, bro! I do not have any idea of what you just said, but I really have to pee!

Martian Overlord: heUhAfkuefbUA! UhfehiAiAI! Laser Gun - *zaaaap* *ziiiiing* *yodel*

General Asher: *epic fail* ...but still wants to pee.

Why does our excretory system vie for the busiest, most not-time-to-pee moments ever? I mean, we all need to concentrate on important events in our lives. These important events might change our future, and the future of the whole mankind. That is why, we do not have the time to pee.  If you think your daily habit of chewing cigarette butts will help you change the economic advancement of Madagascar for the better, then peeing should not interfere.


I also blame technology. In this fast paced technological age of ours, we do not have the time anymore to satisfy our peeing urges. Why haven't we invented of something that will maybe postpone our peeing urges. You know, something like an IPee.


Pictured above is a urinal at the International Space Station. See, even peeing disturbs our astronomers from floating and stuff.

Attention Millions of People: Ashton Kutcher's Taking a Crap

You know Twitter, right? The site where people update other people on what they are up to. Apparently, a lot of people use it, with 190 million users, and it is currently ranked by Alexa as the 11th most popular website.

 Makes me wonder. Why is Twitter popular? Probably because of very profound tweets, like this:

jackSPANKME: @p0rndude-R-us0901 Dude, last night was aweSOME!!  watching #porn and startrek in mom's basement, best nayt EVAR!!!

Now that is an eye-opener. People like to show other people that they are single. But it still does not explain a lot about Twitter's popularity.

jackSPANKME: haha, I got a stolen shot of @porndude-R-us0901 snorting cocaine on top of a hooker http://bit.ly/pizza_porndude_is_kewl

Okay, so people apparently like to show cherished pictures of their daily activities. It seems like they want to share and preserve valuable memories for the generations to come by tweeting pictures. Wait, I'm still not convinced. Maybe its the celebrities on Twitter.

therealjackSPANKME: as an actor/director/pantyhose recycling advocate, i would like to say thanks to all my 9 followers. I am here at the set of my latest movie, ATTACK OF THE GIANT #BIEBER

Sure, celebrities on Twitter. Still not enough. How about celebrities who seem like normal human beings on their tweets.

therealjackSPANKME: just ate a whole can of wasabi and downed it with lemon juice. Now on the toilet having a major #crap! 

That answers it! People like to think that celebrities are normal people just like them. They also eat whole cans of wasabi, and more importantly, they also crap! People like to think there is not much difference between him and celebrities so that they can still have the hope of being celebrities themselves.

So I now have a conclusion: Twitter is popular because it makes celebrities appear like normal people, so they can identify themselves with average Joes worldwide. It gives the impression to normal people that they can also be celebrities, just like them (concealing the fact that celebrities are really aliens who had come to hypnotize the people before the extraterrestrial invasion arrives). 

What do you think? Why is Twitter popular? Aside from my theory above, what else do you think made Twitter popular?

To get updates on how I despise Twitter, follow me on Twitter: Go to the side bar and look for the Twitter section.

Hey, always check the sky for the mother ship okay. Just in case.


(dude, the ashton kutcher on the title is only in reference on the fact that he has the most number of followers. he did not actually tweet about crap. come on man.)

yah, that's right!

I am working on a video blog. Not that you really care, but I think you do, you do, don't you. Please do.

I will be posting it perhaps this week so forgive me for not updating my blog for like a century. I will still be regularly posting blog posts and I hope it will also work with video blogging. (its called VLog, old man asher)

Okay! Stay awesome, wear a condom!

A loser's guide to dating women

Dating has always been a problem for losers, century after century after century. Not that they always venture on the art of dating, but when they do, they always fail hard on the floor. This may in time lead to a series of devastating effect. The propagation of losers will be halted if this problem continues. Who will be the losers of the future, huh? Who would our grandchildren tease in gym class. Also, the video game industry will subside drastically, together with the knitted vest, comic book and root beer industry. That is why, me, a very concerned citizen has created the ultimate dating guide for losers. (I believe the word "loser" is politically incorrect in some tribes, but I think of the word as someone who just hasn't won yet).


Let us follow Jack McSurname in his quest to find ultimate love, and maybe with this guide you'll get one too.


Dating Guide 1: Jack McSurname is a loser, and the closest thing to love that he knows is the stray frogs he hunts at the local pond, which he kisses one by one every midnight. Now, we shall help him find love. And where is the coolest place to find love for a loser like Jack? That is right, avid reader, dating sites. My first tip for Jack and to all guys out there is to surf different adult dating sites. Still, that wouldn't be enough. Jack should create a convincing profile:

NAME: Jack hOt4ss McSurname (the nickname is a total hit)
AGE: 18 (we had to make him 25 years younger, didn't we).
SEX: Whatever you want me to be, babe (we have to make him sound witty and sexy at the same time. Women, and apparently men like those kinds of things).
PROFESSION: Lion Tamer (of course we know Jack is in fact working in a pantyhose recycling facility, but that isn't "dating site cool." Now lion tamer, that is definitely cool!
HOBBIES AND ACTIVITIES: Everything that makes me sweat and look like a jock (this is to summarize all the things he would NEVER ever do. He's allergic to his own sweat).


Now to polish the profile further, we have to put a profile picture. Yeah, but we cannot possibly place his real face there, please. That is why I have another solution, male anime pictures. Placing secretive anime pictures make Jack sexy and mysterious.


Now, search for hot and eligible girls from the said dating site. Don't fuss if all of their profile pictures are either side view, black and white, taken in front of a bathroom mirror, or the face practically not wholly visible. They do it to create suspense and mystery, just as what you are doing with the anime pic. If you are done picking, PM them and let the first date begin!



Dating Guide 2: Now here comes the date, I'm pretty sure Jack is so damn excited and nervous of this upcoming event. Now here is the ultimate tip that I might give to Jack and to all readers today; Just be yourself. Of course, I know it is totally different from your dating site profile. But, how are you going to fake 3-time Olympic gold medalist in real life? 


Now, before going to the big day, Jack must try being in the latest fashion. That only means one thing; Pants on the ground! Jack can wear any jeans he has, use strings as belt, put inside his pocket a variety of chains and stuff, wear it up to his knees, and there you go. Pants on the ground. If you like to uphold to your anime pic then go cosplay style. Don't mind your flabby fat popping out of your sailor moon costume. At least you are kewl!

Dating Guide 3: It is time to meet her, the woman who might change the future of Jack's life. Now Jack, be cool. The first thing to do is to greet her with your remarkable fluency in Klingon. 


 yIn tIq 'ej chep


Check for signs. If she is raising an eyebrow, do not worry. It is a sign that she is amazed by your fluency. Now take her to one of your favorite restaurants, TGIF (Thank Google I'm a Freak). Get the specialty, "Spock's Foot in Voldemort sauce". I am sure she will enjoy it so much that she will spit and vomit all of it, believing her tongue is not worthy of such great food.


If you want to converse, just start with the usual things you talk about. Your date's vomit can be one,


 "You should take the Facebook quiz, What does your vomit color tell about your dog's personality' "


Give the martian waiter a large tip to impress your date. An autographed picture of yourself  in Cosplay could be one.


Now to leave your date with a gift, give her something she will treasure her entire life. How about one of your collectibles, like Adolf Hitler's stool sample. Believe me, she'll love it so much she'll forget to bring it home.


Remember these things: If she leaves you in the middle of the date, that just means she has been awestruck by your incredible aura. If she slaps you, that means she can't get her hands off of you. Now you'll be able to say to yourself, who is the loser now huh? Look at you, Jack McSurname, what a stud!!


As always, Live long and prosper! And don't call her again, like forever. She doesn't have a number, right?



*above is a Google image

Ten signs your mom is a heavy metal rock star by night

Rock. The very word brings a whole series of emotions. It definitely brings joy to our very cool and busy geologists, while it also brings paranoia puree to conservative parents. To us young people, its the very definition of music.

Your mom had probably at least once scolded you for listening to "trash." Is this a genuine warning against rock and its close cousins sex and drugs or is it a strategy to sway you from the truth that might shock your ass off and change the future breakfasts you'll have.

Your mom is a heavy metal rock star. Wait, wait, do not update your Facebook status of how cool you are just yet. You must confirm the suspicion with these signs. Is cheese not the only thing your mom can shred?

1. She hordes eyeliners because "it is cheaper."

2. She uses screamo to wake you up for school every morning.

3. Your Aunt Phyllis is indeed her lead guitarist.

4. You constantly see her putting mothballs in her closet. That is to disperse the marijuana smell her clothes get from her underground concerts.

5. She kinda looks like a member of Edward Cullen's family.

6. She tucks you in bed too early, so she can rock!

7. Her apron is autographed by Ozzy Osbourne.

8. She sings sweet lullabies to you, courtesy of songs from Black Sabbath and Dio.

9. She signs her checkbook with her blood.

10. She fixes "funny" pancakes.

Rock on!