Over-reviewing sucks!

I hate this day. I spent the whole night last night reviewing for a quiz that involves cranial and spinal nerves. Then, the day for the quiz came, I ate my breakfast and lunch, drank milk, and ate a banana, to energize myself with starch. Finally, the hour of judgement came, and lo, I was judged most tremendously.


Questions. No, interrogations chewed me up the very moment I glanced upon the test paper, and all that was on my mind was "I knew I read this, I friggin' read this somewhere in the book. I even saw a GIF animation of it on the internet, but I cannot remember the name of these hanging things below the pointy thing." After the quiz, I reminisced on the valuable evening I spent  shoving notes down my nasal cavity. I cursed the memory, together with the banana and its freaking starch.

 Maybe I over-reviewed, which is something I usually do whenever the Hale-Bopp comet passes by our planet. I experienced perhaps what laymen call the "mental block". Whatever happened gave disappointment that brought about this thought: What if instead of reviewing the functions of the oculomotor nerve last night, I reviewed more important, significant things, like:


1. Zombie Apocalypse Cosmetology:The science of applying make-up on yourself so that you can pretend to be a zombie and the undead won't lay a finger on you.
2. Internet Marketing Strategies: The proper way of spamming Facebook walls and forums.
3. Popular Adolescent Literary Creations: Writing the next "Twilight".


Now these topics might have given me much more benefit than knowing about preganglionic neurons. But no, I gave up on these significant subjects to give time to remember what the hanging things below the pointy thing were called. And the sad thing was, I remembered it seconds after I passed my paper. Cauda Equina! I knew it sounded something like Megan Fox...or not. 

Pretentious Douchebags!!!

We all know one. We all hate one.

Pretentious douchebags - the worst of all the douchebags (before this would be the Starbucks douchebags). Philosophers the world over contemplates on their existence. Statisticians worry on their increasing population. The military plans on their eradication, and bloggers...well.. bloggers rant on why one is sitting right next to them (good job breaking the rhyme).

How do we exactly detect and categorize one to be included in this group. While some might say the definition of a "pretentious douchebag" is subjective, I think most will agree with what I will list below. (For the sake of my fragile, china porcelain fingers, I shall refer to Pretentious Douchebags as "PD").

PD # 1 - Gadget PDs
That's right. The scum of the technological world. Their script: "I bought 3 IPads from the mall and threw it out of the window, for no reason. While I upload some new pics of me and my cat on my 84 websites and social networking profiles, I'll just play some sex-themed music on my monster D-Bag 2000 Stereo Surround Sound Stereo while I send a tweet to my 7 followers" 


The girlfriend-less scum portrays all their majestic douchebaggery to compensate for the fact that they can never talk to a woman in a bar, and that they never go to bars.


PD# 2 - The Big Words PDs
They sound like Noah Webster being forced to eat page after page of his newly edited dictionary. Their script: "My neurotransmitters are situated as echelons while I divulge to my audience what my cognitive processes mainly focuses on at the moment, the quintessence of my mind: my speech. Also, what I just said did not make sense and I just wanted to impress a dozen of other PDs."


Seriously, what's up with the heavy words? No one thinks your cool, no one thinks you will ever be cool. Whatever you do in life, you will never, ever be cool. That is why you have to stop using those words.


PD# 3 - The Newly-Elected PDs
Somehow, these PDs got elected or appointed in some sort of office. That is why their PD meter grows exponentially high. Their script: "As the newly elected undersecretary of the undersecretary of the Society for the Appreciation of the Yellowness of Mustard, I would like to say, I deserve this so much, and you did the right thing of electing me. Now, I shall officially start ignoring you because I am now formally and on legal documents considered "better than you".


Believe me. I know a lot of these PDs. Those people who suddenly become your BFFs because they see you as one big walking ballot for various beauty contests or elections and ignore you when they win.


Okay, I'm gonna end it here.

So, aside from what I have listed here, what other PDs can you think of? Place it on the comment section below.


(got the photo from photobucket)

Attention Millions of People: Ashton Kutcher's Taking a Crap

You know Twitter, right? The site where people update other people on what they are up to. Apparently, a lot of people use it, with 190 million users, and it is currently ranked by Alexa as the 11th most popular website.

 Makes me wonder. Why is Twitter popular? Probably because of very profound tweets, like this:

jackSPANKME: @p0rndude-R-us0901 Dude, last night was aweSOME!!  watching #porn and startrek in mom's basement, best nayt EVAR!!!

Now that is an eye-opener. People like to show other people that they are single. But it still does not explain a lot about Twitter's popularity.

jackSPANKME: haha, I got a stolen shot of @porndude-R-us0901 snorting cocaine on top of a hooker http://bit.ly/pizza_porndude_is_kewl

Okay, so people apparently like to show cherished pictures of their daily activities. It seems like they want to share and preserve valuable memories for the generations to come by tweeting pictures. Wait, I'm still not convinced. Maybe its the celebrities on Twitter.

therealjackSPANKME: as an actor/director/pantyhose recycling advocate, i would like to say thanks to all my 9 followers. I am here at the set of my latest movie, ATTACK OF THE GIANT #BIEBER

Sure, celebrities on Twitter. Still not enough. How about celebrities who seem like normal human beings on their tweets.

therealjackSPANKME: just ate a whole can of wasabi and downed it with lemon juice. Now on the toilet having a major #crap! 

That answers it! People like to think that celebrities are normal people just like them. They also eat whole cans of wasabi, and more importantly, they also crap! People like to think there is not much difference between him and celebrities so that they can still have the hope of being celebrities themselves.

So I now have a conclusion: Twitter is popular because it makes celebrities appear like normal people, so they can identify themselves with average Joes worldwide. It gives the impression to normal people that they can also be celebrities, just like them (concealing the fact that celebrities are really aliens who had come to hypnotize the people before the extraterrestrial invasion arrives). 

What do you think? Why is Twitter popular? Aside from my theory above, what else do you think made Twitter popular?

To get updates on how I despise Twitter, follow me on Twitter: Go to the side bar and look for the Twitter section.

Hey, always check the sky for the mother ship okay. Just in case.


(dude, the ashton kutcher on the title is only in reference on the fact that he has the most number of followers. he did not actually tweet about crap. come on man.)

A loser's guide to dating women

Dating has always been a problem for losers, century after century after century. Not that they always venture on the art of dating, but when they do, they always fail hard on the floor. This may in time lead to a series of devastating effect. The propagation of losers will be halted if this problem continues. Who will be the losers of the future, huh? Who would our grandchildren tease in gym class. Also, the video game industry will subside drastically, together with the knitted vest, comic book and root beer industry. That is why, me, a very concerned citizen has created the ultimate dating guide for losers. (I believe the word "loser" is politically incorrect in some tribes, but I think of the word as someone who just hasn't won yet).


Let us follow Jack McSurname in his quest to find ultimate love, and maybe with this guide you'll get one too.


Dating Guide 1: Jack McSurname is a loser, and the closest thing to love that he knows is the stray frogs he hunts at the local pond, which he kisses one by one every midnight. Now, we shall help him find love. And where is the coolest place to find love for a loser like Jack? That is right, avid reader, dating sites. My first tip for Jack and to all guys out there is to surf different adult dating sites. Still, that wouldn't be enough. Jack should create a convincing profile:

NAME: Jack hOt4ss McSurname (the nickname is a total hit)
AGE: 18 (we had to make him 25 years younger, didn't we).
SEX: Whatever you want me to be, babe (we have to make him sound witty and sexy at the same time. Women, and apparently men like those kinds of things).
PROFESSION: Lion Tamer (of course we know Jack is in fact working in a pantyhose recycling facility, but that isn't "dating site cool." Now lion tamer, that is definitely cool!
HOBBIES AND ACTIVITIES: Everything that makes me sweat and look like a jock (this is to summarize all the things he would NEVER ever do. He's allergic to his own sweat).


Now to polish the profile further, we have to put a profile picture. Yeah, but we cannot possibly place his real face there, please. That is why I have another solution, male anime pictures. Placing secretive anime pictures make Jack sexy and mysterious.


Now, search for hot and eligible girls from the said dating site. Don't fuss if all of their profile pictures are either side view, black and white, taken in front of a bathroom mirror, or the face practically not wholly visible. They do it to create suspense and mystery, just as what you are doing with the anime pic. If you are done picking, PM them and let the first date begin!



Dating Guide 2: Now here comes the date, I'm pretty sure Jack is so damn excited and nervous of this upcoming event. Now here is the ultimate tip that I might give to Jack and to all readers today; Just be yourself. Of course, I know it is totally different from your dating site profile. But, how are you going to fake 3-time Olympic gold medalist in real life? 


Now, before going to the big day, Jack must try being in the latest fashion. That only means one thing; Pants on the ground! Jack can wear any jeans he has, use strings as belt, put inside his pocket a variety of chains and stuff, wear it up to his knees, and there you go. Pants on the ground. If you like to uphold to your anime pic then go cosplay style. Don't mind your flabby fat popping out of your sailor moon costume. At least you are kewl!

Dating Guide 3: It is time to meet her, the woman who might change the future of Jack's life. Now Jack, be cool. The first thing to do is to greet her with your remarkable fluency in Klingon. 


 yIn tIq 'ej chep


Check for signs. If she is raising an eyebrow, do not worry. It is a sign that she is amazed by your fluency. Now take her to one of your favorite restaurants, TGIF (Thank Google I'm a Freak). Get the specialty, "Spock's Foot in Voldemort sauce". I am sure she will enjoy it so much that she will spit and vomit all of it, believing her tongue is not worthy of such great food.


If you want to converse, just start with the usual things you talk about. Your date's vomit can be one,


 "You should take the Facebook quiz, What does your vomit color tell about your dog's personality' "


Give the martian waiter a large tip to impress your date. An autographed picture of yourself  in Cosplay could be one.


Now to leave your date with a gift, give her something she will treasure her entire life. How about one of your collectibles, like Adolf Hitler's stool sample. Believe me, she'll love it so much she'll forget to bring it home.


Remember these things: If she leaves you in the middle of the date, that just means she has been awestruck by your incredible aura. If she slaps you, that means she can't get her hands off of you. Now you'll be able to say to yourself, who is the loser now huh? Look at you, Jack McSurname, what a stud!!


As always, Live long and prosper! And don't call her again, like forever. She doesn't have a number, right?



*above is a Google image

Justin Bieber is the Antichrist

You must be very familiar with a phenomenon in pop culture where people, especially conspiracy theorists brand other people as the Antichrist, the resurrection of Hitler, the fifth Teletubby, etc. Titles used are commonly and practically anything that may shock us Internet geeks. Victims may be celebrities who are quickly climbing the ladder of fame, newly elected Popes, too-damn-rich TV hosts, and world leaders. I was not surprised Obama was labeled as the Antichrist, and I am surprised Justin Bieber still hasn't been labelled as someone threatening or peculiar (if he is the fifth teletubby, Tinky Winky will be threatened). 

If Justin Bieber is to be branded by the conspiracy theorists as the Antichrist, then a series of conspiracy theories follows. He would blacklist every anti-Justin Bieber fan page on Facebook. His song "Baby" would probably and apparently contain subliminal message to hypnotize today's youth. Oh no! 

That would be pretty weird, yet pretty convincing. Just look how manly Justin Bieber is. Chuck Norris would be embarrassed before this man. His iron fist terrifies many as he sings the intro for the new and sucky version of "We are the World." 

Then again, Justin Bieber does not know where Germany is, so I doubt the premise once more.

Why do they brand famous people as such. I know a Psychology term used for the paranoia in this context, but I cannot find it in my dusty search engine of a brain. This suggests I should review my major a little. There are a lot of questions bothering my mind. Why is Justin Bieber famous? Does Oprah operate her own religion with Dr. Phil as the head?

And the question that bothers me most: Who would be the fifth member of the Teletubbies?

Practical ways to deal with an annoying classmate

Having problems with a classmate? Worry no more! This blogger, who happens to be one of the leading experts on those kinds of crap, has come up with a few practical ways to deal with an annoying classmate.


Now, it will all depend on how the classmate annoys you. (From now on, we shall call the annoying classmate "Jacques")


Annoying stuff 1: The math teacher asks for the value of x. Your classmate Jacques raises his hand and begins to detail the philosophical background of mathematics and the genealogy of Isaac Newton's chihuahua.

How to deal with crap: Stand up and shout - "Shut up loser, you obviously don't know the answer!" Believe me, your teacher will thank you for it.

Annoying stuff 2: It's a Literature exam, Jacques sits beside you and extends his neck like a freaking giraffe over your paper.

How to deal with crap: Always be prepared for cheating classmates. Get an old fashion magazine and tear a page. Use it as a fake exam paper, so that whenever he leans towards your paper, he sees Katherine Heigl. I assume he is dumb enough to believe that Perez Hilton is the most famous character of Ernest Hemingway. After all, he cheats.

Annoying Stuff 3: You try to impress girls in school with your collection of dead cockroaches, but your classmate Jacques tries to steal the spotlight by bringing his collection of famous people's boogers.

How to deal with crap: Try to prove the authenticity of your collection by letting the girls touch and smell the dead cockroaches. Worry not if Jacques tries to do the same, no one would want to touch and smell people's boogers. I mean, Eeew!

Practical solutions to socio-educational annoyances. Good day. I'm off to class.

She bit me in the ass: A guide to zombie apocalypse survival

Do you believe in the possibility of a zombie apocalypse? I sure do.

Most of you normal people may not have thought of the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. For me, there was never a week I did not sit on a chair and think "Whoa, a zombie attack would be pretty inconvenient" (I really have a hectic schedule). At first, when the walking zombies (I'm looking at you Mia Jovovich) were still dominating the zombie movie industry, I was like "What's up with you, man? You can dance the 'locomotion' in their midst and they still wouldn't get you." Then they created the...wait for it... running zombie!


Would you survive a zombie apocalypse? What should we really do in case of a zombie attack.

I have compiled from all over my brain, (its a pretty wide search engine) things to do in a zombie apocalypse. First, when the crazies on the street start to hang those cardboards of doom over their necks, believe them and give them money for crack. Next, if the news starts to show zombie waves in varying regions in your country, pay attention and do not make love, talk to the telephone or party while the news is running. That is if you don't want to wake up the next morning with dentures sunk on your neck, and a hangover.


The next one is to prepare yourself for the invasion. In classic zombie movies, the whole neighborhood always turns into zombies except you. Being lucky enough to be the protagonist, what should you do? There are two choices: The first one is locking yourself in. Close all windows and doors and reinforce them, for extra protection. The flaw in this plan is that 84% of people who had tried locking themselves in their houses from zombies forget the backdoor.


The second plan is to get your car out of the garage and sweep the neighborhood streets. The flaw in this plan is that you tend to lose diesel, and zombies from gas stations are the most vicious zombies, according to the "What type of capitalist zombie are you" quiz from Facebook. If you ask me, a survivor of two zombie attacks, I would go for the second choice.

And speaking of Facebook, you should always update your status, so do not forget to bring your laptops and secure your mobiles.

        Jack McSurname oMg I jUst cUt oFf a zOmbiE aRm!...! iT's sTilL wRigGliNg iN dA tRunK...

That way you will be able to notify your Facebook friends. That is if they haven't turned into zombies yet. And also, expect that 88 percent of your tweeter followers are now infected, so no one will read your latest tweet anymore:

        jackSpANKME @paris_heeltoe1355 you just bit a chunk off my ass. but I'm okay...thought you should know! damn #zombies!!!


After running away from your neighborhood, find uninfected people. There is power in numbers. You can all find shelter, where you can build a reinforcement and wait for the military to rescue you. Be sure to judge a suitable shelter based on its survival benefits, not because it has an indoor swimming pool, or else you'll be swimming in blood, and probably a zombie lifeguard's blood at that. However, do not be overdependent to your buddies, even if they are man enough to face the horde. I don't care if your new found boyfriend is as manly and brave as Justin Bieber, you can all still get in deep trouble if you do not retain a sense of independence. Having clumsy buddies by your side is actually an advantage. When they trip and become food for the zombies, they buy you time to escape. Remember, there is wisdom in cowardice. Also, be wary of the people you meet. Zombies sometimes pose like the uninfected to attract people, and morons are tastier to them, so be on alert. Resist them, even if one looks like Megan Fox without the half of her face. Remember this: They all look like half-faced Megan Foxes.


Now, good luck finding rescue. If you'll excuse me, I have to pee.

You don't eat chocolate? What are you, Mayan?

Chocolates are one of the best things in the world. If aliens invaded our planet the first thing I will store in my basement is the brown stuff, lots and lots of brown stuff. And when the time comes when they aliens have to disintegrate me, I would lose my atoms happily and at peace (jeez, what a nerd). I am glad I am not one of those allergic to the sweet stuff. It would be like having allergy to oxygen, and that would be like a major hassle.

Chocolates are awesome. It is the most popular flavor in the world. Yes, when TV shows ice cream, it sounds dull, but chocolate ice cream - divine. We also have chocolate cookies, chocolate acne cleanser, chocolate caviar and even chocolate-scented bubblewraps.

However delicious chocolates could be, it should NEVER be given to a girl. Giving chocolates to girls is the most desperate thing a guy can do. Yes, girls find it sweet, and by "it" I mean the chocolate. Giving her chocolate is like resorting to biological means to get her to love you and that is just not right. 84 percent of guys who had "won" their partner's heart end up in divorce. Why is that, you might ask. It is because girls fall in love with the chocolate, not with guy. It is only the sensual feeling they get from chocolates that makes them "fall in love" (Wow, I am really great at dating and romance advice).

The chocolate business is currently a 50 billion dollar industry, mostly because of the geniuses stated above. It is produced by an oligopoly called the "Big Chocolate". 

Behind the divine chocolate taste lies the bitter controversy of massive child labor related to chocolate manufacturing. No, Jack, I am not talking about Charlie and how he owned Willy Wonka's factory. It is a widespread slavery in western Africa, where 10 percent of the total chocolate labor force were kidnapped from their own homes.

And one last tip, and this one is true: Do not feed your pet chocolate. It's toxic to them. Man, they don't know what they're missing.

Facebook makes you SHINY!

(Note: This is not in any way intended to demote Facebook. The content of this blog post is sarcastic and is only for fun. Please read my header, and keep up buddy. And also, Facebook is awesome!)

What’s up! I’m back! I know you missed me, and I missed me too. Man, I’ve been thorugh a lot of adventures but that is a story for another post. Let me first bring you my comeback post about Facebook. Enjoy (and don’t forget to share this on Facebook and Tweeter)

To date, Facebook has 350 million users, practically comprising of 5 % of the total world population. Yes, your mom, yoga instructor and podiatrist are active users of Facebook (and your podiatrist even posted a status about your last check-up)

Dr Paris Heel-Toe is currently checking up a huge red bump under my patient’s sole which seems to be an unusually large foot pimple.

How did Facebook garner this many users?

It is because Facebook makes an average joe look awesome and cool. Facebook turns average, drooling-over-Megan-Fox-poster you into a new, cool, awesome, shiny, Edward Cullen-y someone. What, you never noticed it? A picked-last-in-gym Facebook user can look like Chuck Norris with one Facebook status update. Want more proof? Let us observe Jack McSurname (Yes, I’m really fond of Jack) and his journey of transition through Facebook.

The Registration:

It all starts when Jack hears some coworkers on the vending machine discussing their “comments being liked.” Since comments are rarely liked in the corporate world, Jack becomes curious. That is until one coworker calls him a dumbass and introduces Facebook, the site that will change Jack into a shiny self-loving hunk/jackass. So Jack registers with his name: jack McSurname, but one colleague tells him to include a nickname to make him look more interesting than he really is, so he makes his profile name Jack “sPaNkMyAsSbAbY” McSurname. That is when he realizes he has family on Facebook.

Friend Request:

This is where Jack does the main thing about Facebook: making connections. He starts to invite friends and family members, until he reaches 16 friends, which was enough already for him. That is until his colleague tells him that he can have friends up to 5000 users. This practically excites Jack, since he only has 6 friends in real life (that includes his turtle, Megatron). So he begins to invite all mutual friends. Finally he reaches 5000 and by this time he is “friends” with all kinds of people, to the ex-boyfriend of the math teacher of his nephew’s best friend which is a hairdresser in Siberia, to the uncle of the dentist of his coworker’s nephew which is the official belly-dancing instructor of the FBI.

Ten signs your date is a radioactive zombie-eating alligator

You both went to the movies, had dinner in a fancy restaurant, and said good-byes in the most romantic way. It was the perfect date. You're probably planning a second one, but before you do, read more.

There had been sightings of them for the past thirty minutes I made this phenomenon up; in Canada, Brazil to Indonesia, even in the bathroom of your local Starbucks. They appear in attractive feminine forms, and they have but two goals. First is to supply their minor planet with one of the most precious energy source only found on earth: The glitter and sparkle of Edward Cullen (what's up with them right?). Next is to sustain their knowledge of our planet by reading a very important (and awesome, by the way) document: the asherwrites blog.

They lurk in our planet preying for every single male who resembles a sparkly vampire. They are the (pause, and then choke) Radioactive Zombie-Eating Alligators from Pluto! (*gasp* *choke* *diddly* *yodel*)

There are signs your last date is one. Check these signs to see if your date is indeed a parasite from Pluto, seeking every male for the precious energy source.

1. She glowed inside the cinema.

2. She gave the waiter a series of blinks, similar to Morse-code, and you got a free dessert.

3. She whispered sweet nothings through subliminal and telepathic messages.

4. The snow was too damn hot for her

5. A romantic movie date for her was "Dawn of the Dead"

6. She didn't give her phone number. She'll find you, she claims.

7. Your name is Jack, but she keeps calling you "male earthling."

8. She didn't want you to drop her by her house. It's is "pretty damn far," she said.

9. She overloads when you talk about Twilight (seriously, you talk about Twilight? What's up with that dude?)

10. She's out of your league.

If any of these signs appear, dump her, before she dumps you. Dumps you to a minor planet called Pluto. (Well, if there was any compensation, she did think you were Edward Cullen.)

How NOT to get a date on Valentines

Valentines Day is only a couple of days to go. Of the many years I've seen the event fly through our calendars, I still don't know whether to spell it as "Valentines" or "Valentine's." Yes I don't seem to know much about Valentines (or the other spelling, whatever.)


Yes, it is a fact that I'm a Valentines Ignoramus. Until now I still don't get why men would give their special someone those furry little balls called Teddy Bears, which was in fact originally made for Teddy Roosevelt's campaign and not for Valentines."Oh, honey, you're giving me ancient political paraphernalia for Valentines, that is the sweetest!" And the rose, yes the roses. Why is it that when women receive roses, it's like they're the first and only woman in the world to have received such. "Oh honey, you're giving me roses this Valentines Day, that is so creative. (Sniffs roses) I never thought roses smelled like this. Oh sweetheart, only Da Vinci would have thought of such a brilliant and unique idea."


Okay, maybe I'm being too cynical again, as always. Go celebrate Valentines Day. Celebrate that you're a couple, which is practically like celebrating a routine you've been sharing since...forever. It's like celebrating flossing your teeth, or drinking coffee, or going to the comfort room on a regular basis.

"What a bitter goon this Asher is," might be what is running in your heads right now. I'm not bitter of Valentines and of people who enjoy the company of their sweethearts, sweetie pies, yum cakes, honey bunch, purple haze, papaya pulp, (whatever they call them.) It just so happened that I'm currently single. Lonely Valentines? I don't think so. I kind of like it. In fact, I like it so much that I have come up with tips on how NOT to get a date this Valentines (a proper compilation and a desperate publisher is all I need to get this on the shelves, baby!) First tip, when meeting someone, introduce yourself by saying your name, followed by a rhyming word: "Hi, I'm Annie, I like spaghetti" or "Hi, I'm Jack, I like to hack" or "Hi, I'm Chuck, I like to ffff....fly. When invited to the movies, reply with this: Okay sure, are you a fan of Star Wars. Join my "Jar Jar Binks is hotter than Chewbacca." fan page on Facebook.


That's the second tip: Third, give him/her a Valentines Card with this message:

Happy Valentines

Your presence and smile

your elegance and charm

your beauty and wisdom

it reminds me of a very awesome person:

Dr. Phil

Happy Valentines

Last tip on how NOT to get a Valentines date: Just be yourself.

Seriously, Happy Valentines to all the couples out there. Hope you have a very wonderful day of hearts. (Especially to the elderly couples out there, I salute you. You've never given to the latest trend more popular than IPod, divorce)