Pretentious Douchebags!!!

We all know one. We all hate one.

Pretentious douchebags - the worst of all the douchebags (before this would be the Starbucks douchebags). Philosophers the world over contemplates on their existence. Statisticians worry on their increasing population. The military plans on their eradication, and bloggers...well.. bloggers rant on why one is sitting right next to them (good job breaking the rhyme).

How do we exactly detect and categorize one to be included in this group. While some might say the definition of a "pretentious douchebag" is subjective, I think most will agree with what I will list below. (For the sake of my fragile, china porcelain fingers, I shall refer to Pretentious Douchebags as "PD").

PD # 1 - Gadget PDs
That's right. The scum of the technological world. Their script: "I bought 3 IPads from the mall and threw it out of the window, for no reason. While I upload some new pics of me and my cat on my 84 websites and social networking profiles, I'll just play some sex-themed music on my monster D-Bag 2000 Stereo Surround Sound Stereo while I send a tweet to my 7 followers" 


The girlfriend-less scum portrays all their majestic douchebaggery to compensate for the fact that they can never talk to a woman in a bar, and that they never go to bars.


PD# 2 - The Big Words PDs
They sound like Noah Webster being forced to eat page after page of his newly edited dictionary. Their script: "My neurotransmitters are situated as echelons while I divulge to my audience what my cognitive processes mainly focuses on at the moment, the quintessence of my mind: my speech. Also, what I just said did not make sense and I just wanted to impress a dozen of other PDs."


Seriously, what's up with the heavy words? No one thinks your cool, no one thinks you will ever be cool. Whatever you do in life, you will never, ever be cool. That is why you have to stop using those words.


PD# 3 - The Newly-Elected PDs
Somehow, these PDs got elected or appointed in some sort of office. That is why their PD meter grows exponentially high. Their script: "As the newly elected undersecretary of the undersecretary of the Society for the Appreciation of the Yellowness of Mustard, I would like to say, I deserve this so much, and you did the right thing of electing me. Now, I shall officially start ignoring you because I am now formally and on legal documents considered "better than you".


Believe me. I know a lot of these PDs. Those people who suddenly become your BFFs because they see you as one big walking ballot for various beauty contests or elections and ignore you when they win.


Okay, I'm gonna end it here.

So, aside from what I have listed here, what other PDs can you think of? Place it on the comment section below.


(got the photo from photobucket)

You've said that the nth time already!

The very word conjures negative words. Politicians. Our interest in them is as fanatic as our interest in the Dewey Decimal System (sorry, librarians). We direly wish to deport our very own politicians somewhere else, wherever we live. Though we may be politically active in the manner of tracking our votes and checking our laws and stuff, we never find interest in the suited-up politicians whose real expertise is in the grueling field of smiling.


Its presidential elections year here in the Philippines. Politicians parade their butts down the street with this exact routine: (1) Megaphones blare, announces the politician's name and how awesome and cool and gorgeous they are in their suits. (2) Politicians go down the truck, shake hands and says the script, "I'm *name* running for *office*, you must have heard the megaphone announcing how awesome I am but I just came down here to tell you that again myself." He then turns around, applies hand sanitizer and harasses the next unwary voter.

Politicians pay a lot of money for their staff; speech writers, PR, etc. They build up the force of the politician's drive towards the office. These are essential people they might want to add to their staff in order to build that politically-powerful force they desire.

1. Dandruff Monitor- Essential to the image of the politicians. They provide an efficient service of monitoring and exterminating white specks on the politician's shoulders we common folks call the "dandruff." This will add to the overall charisma of the politician. A good smile is never enough.

2. Funnier Jokes Writer- A must for old politicians since we don't laugh at the "Even Perfecto is not perfect" joke anymore.

3. Perspiration Control Team- This will take more than three people. The ultimate politician's dream (except the office itself, of course). It is a known fact that when someone says lies and crap, perspiration increases. This is where the PCT comes in. Armed with a towel, baby powder and a strong stomach, these experts will turn a perspiring "I did not steal money" politician into a dry, handsome, 'I will serve the country truthfully" politician. Lying had never been easier.

Last thing, stop promising things you had already promised for the last three terms of your office.