How NOT to get a date on Valentines

Valentines Day is only a couple of days to go. Of the many years I've seen the event fly through our calendars, I still don't know whether to spell it as "Valentines" or "Valentine's." Yes I don't seem to know much about Valentines (or the other spelling, whatever.)


Yes, it is a fact that I'm a Valentines Ignoramus. Until now I still don't get why men would give their special someone those furry little balls called Teddy Bears, which was in fact originally made for Teddy Roosevelt's campaign and not for Valentines."Oh, honey, you're giving me ancient political paraphernalia for Valentines, that is the sweetest!" And the rose, yes the roses. Why is it that when women receive roses, it's like they're the first and only woman in the world to have received such. "Oh honey, you're giving me roses this Valentines Day, that is so creative. (Sniffs roses) I never thought roses smelled like this. Oh sweetheart, only Da Vinci would have thought of such a brilliant and unique idea."


Okay, maybe I'm being too cynical again, as always. Go celebrate Valentines Day. Celebrate that you're a couple, which is practically like celebrating a routine you've been sharing since...forever. It's like celebrating flossing your teeth, or drinking coffee, or going to the comfort room on a regular basis.

"What a bitter goon this Asher is," might be what is running in your heads right now. I'm not bitter of Valentines and of people who enjoy the company of their sweethearts, sweetie pies, yum cakes, honey bunch, purple haze, papaya pulp, (whatever they call them.) It just so happened that I'm currently single. Lonely Valentines? I don't think so. I kind of like it. In fact, I like it so much that I have come up with tips on how NOT to get a date this Valentines (a proper compilation and a desperate publisher is all I need to get this on the shelves, baby!) First tip, when meeting someone, introduce yourself by saying your name, followed by a rhyming word: "Hi, I'm Annie, I like spaghetti" or "Hi, I'm Jack, I like to hack" or "Hi, I'm Chuck, I like to ffff....fly. When invited to the movies, reply with this: Okay sure, are you a fan of Star Wars. Join my "Jar Jar Binks is hotter than Chewbacca." fan page on Facebook.


That's the second tip: Third, give him/her a Valentines Card with this message:

Happy Valentines

Your presence and smile

your elegance and charm

your beauty and wisdom

it reminds me of a very awesome person:

Dr. Phil

Happy Valentines

Last tip on how NOT to get a Valentines date: Just be yourself.

Seriously, Happy Valentines to all the couples out there. Hope you have a very wonderful day of hearts. (Especially to the elderly couples out there, I salute you. You've never given to the latest trend more popular than IPod, divorce)

Its 50 million people's day too, Asher

It's my birthday. What could be more fun, more exciting, and more breath-taking to do than doing this on your special day: Blogging! (Oh dude, you're such a loser)


Don't you call me that, today's my birthday (whoa, there's immunity?), and unlike some weird people, I only have one of it. That is why though millions of birthday celebrants today claim this as their day, I'm still happy I don't get to land on a date like Feb, 29. Practically, I highly prefer a birthday party with all the goodies, clowns and parlor games, but maturity dictates me to do something boring called "booze with buddies."

Birthdays. Why do we celebrate it? Since my last birthday, about 31,536,000 seconds have passed (Yes, Jack, I counted.) I've only had three haircuts since my last birthday, (It's because I feel frail and weak before a pair of scissors.) 76,570,430 people had been added to the world's population since you blowed your last birthday candle. An average garden snail (you know, the one you saw in your living room last week while shouting "snake, there's a snake in the room!") travels about 0.3 mph. If it gave you a weird birthday present of walking non-stop till your next birthday, it'd have traveled 263 miles.


Why we celebrate it.? Because all of the statistical data I've mentioned just made another year of our lives sound cooler (high-5).


Happy Birthday to me, and to the millions who selfishly claims this day as their own.

How about THIS for a Resolution

My persistence in keeping New Year Resolutions is as strong as my persistence in eating Chinese with a straw.


I've made a lot of resolutions; eat more vegetables, get a decent haircut, be less sarcastic, be more sarcastic. A few I got through three (broccoli diet and decent hair-cut degraded to bad hair) months. Most only got through the New year hangover.


So I decided one major decision that will change my every "What's your New Year's Resolution" conversations for the years to come. I made the very resolution I'm sure to keep:


I will not make any New Year's Resolutions, ever.


That's right. Aside from my perfection (you can throw that squishy tomato towards the screen right now) I only come up with automatic resolutions whenever someone corners me and starts the "Here we go again, what's your new year's resolution" conversation.

Speaking of resolutions, Rome takes the winner New Year's Resolution for holding the very last gladiatorial competition, (computed modern date) January 1, 404

HAPPY NEW YEAR! (Yeah I'm late, whatever)