yah, that's right!

I am working on a video blog. Not that you really care, but I think you do, you do, don't you. Please do.

I will be posting it perhaps this week so forgive me for not updating my blog for like a century. I will still be regularly posting blog posts and I hope it will also work with video blogging. (its called VLog, old man asher)

Okay! Stay awesome, wear a condom!

A loser's guide to dating women

Dating has always been a problem for losers, century after century after century. Not that they always venture on the art of dating, but when they do, they always fail hard on the floor. This may in time lead to a series of devastating effect. The propagation of losers will be halted if this problem continues. Who will be the losers of the future, huh? Who would our grandchildren tease in gym class. Also, the video game industry will subside drastically, together with the knitted vest, comic book and root beer industry. That is why, me, a very concerned citizen has created the ultimate dating guide for losers. (I believe the word "loser" is politically incorrect in some tribes, but I think of the word as someone who just hasn't won yet).


Let us follow Jack McSurname in his quest to find ultimate love, and maybe with this guide you'll get one too.


Dating Guide 1: Jack McSurname is a loser, and the closest thing to love that he knows is the stray frogs he hunts at the local pond, which he kisses one by one every midnight. Now, we shall help him find love. And where is the coolest place to find love for a loser like Jack? That is right, avid reader, dating sites. My first tip for Jack and to all guys out there is to surf different adult dating sites. Still, that wouldn't be enough. Jack should create a convincing profile:

NAME: Jack hOt4ss McSurname (the nickname is a total hit)
AGE: 18 (we had to make him 25 years younger, didn't we).
SEX: Whatever you want me to be, babe (we have to make him sound witty and sexy at the same time. Women, and apparently men like those kinds of things).
PROFESSION: Lion Tamer (of course we know Jack is in fact working in a pantyhose recycling facility, but that isn't "dating site cool." Now lion tamer, that is definitely cool!
HOBBIES AND ACTIVITIES: Everything that makes me sweat and look like a jock (this is to summarize all the things he would NEVER ever do. He's allergic to his own sweat).


Now to polish the profile further, we have to put a profile picture. Yeah, but we cannot possibly place his real face there, please. That is why I have another solution, male anime pictures. Placing secretive anime pictures make Jack sexy and mysterious.


Now, search for hot and eligible girls from the said dating site. Don't fuss if all of their profile pictures are either side view, black and white, taken in front of a bathroom mirror, or the face practically not wholly visible. They do it to create suspense and mystery, just as what you are doing with the anime pic. If you are done picking, PM them and let the first date begin!



Dating Guide 2: Now here comes the date, I'm pretty sure Jack is so damn excited and nervous of this upcoming event. Now here is the ultimate tip that I might give to Jack and to all readers today; Just be yourself. Of course, I know it is totally different from your dating site profile. But, how are you going to fake 3-time Olympic gold medalist in real life? 


Now, before going to the big day, Jack must try being in the latest fashion. That only means one thing; Pants on the ground! Jack can wear any jeans he has, use strings as belt, put inside his pocket a variety of chains and stuff, wear it up to his knees, and there you go. Pants on the ground. If you like to uphold to your anime pic then go cosplay style. Don't mind your flabby fat popping out of your sailor moon costume. At least you are kewl!

Dating Guide 3: It is time to meet her, the woman who might change the future of Jack's life. Now Jack, be cool. The first thing to do is to greet her with your remarkable fluency in Klingon. 


 yIn tIq 'ej chep


Check for signs. If she is raising an eyebrow, do not worry. It is a sign that she is amazed by your fluency. Now take her to one of your favorite restaurants, TGIF (Thank Google I'm a Freak). Get the specialty, "Spock's Foot in Voldemort sauce". I am sure she will enjoy it so much that she will spit and vomit all of it, believing her tongue is not worthy of such great food.


If you want to converse, just start with the usual things you talk about. Your date's vomit can be one,


 "You should take the Facebook quiz, What does your vomit color tell about your dog's personality' "


Give the martian waiter a large tip to impress your date. An autographed picture of yourself  in Cosplay could be one.


Now to leave your date with a gift, give her something she will treasure her entire life. How about one of your collectibles, like Adolf Hitler's stool sample. Believe me, she'll love it so much she'll forget to bring it home.


Remember these things: If she leaves you in the middle of the date, that just means she has been awestruck by your incredible aura. If she slaps you, that means she can't get her hands off of you. Now you'll be able to say to yourself, who is the loser now huh? Look at you, Jack McSurname, what a stud!!


As always, Live long and prosper! And don't call her again, like forever. She doesn't have a number, right?



*above is a Google image

Ten signs your mom is a heavy metal rock star by night

Rock. The very word brings a whole series of emotions. It definitely brings joy to our very cool and busy geologists, while it also brings paranoia puree to conservative parents. To us young people, its the very definition of music.

Your mom had probably at least once scolded you for listening to "trash." Is this a genuine warning against rock and its close cousins sex and drugs or is it a strategy to sway you from the truth that might shock your ass off and change the future breakfasts you'll have.

Your mom is a heavy metal rock star. Wait, wait, do not update your Facebook status of how cool you are just yet. You must confirm the suspicion with these signs. Is cheese not the only thing your mom can shred?

1. She hordes eyeliners because "it is cheaper."

2. She uses screamo to wake you up for school every morning.

3. Your Aunt Phyllis is indeed her lead guitarist.

4. You constantly see her putting mothballs in her closet. That is to disperse the marijuana smell her clothes get from her underground concerts.

5. She kinda looks like a member of Edward Cullen's family.

6. She tucks you in bed too early, so she can rock!

7. Her apron is autographed by Ozzy Osbourne.

8. She sings sweet lullabies to you, courtesy of songs from Black Sabbath and Dio.

9. She signs her checkbook with her blood.

10. She fixes "funny" pancakes.

Rock on!

Justin Bieber is the Antichrist

You must be very familiar with a phenomenon in pop culture where people, especially conspiracy theorists brand other people as the Antichrist, the resurrection of Hitler, the fifth Teletubby, etc. Titles used are commonly and practically anything that may shock us Internet geeks. Victims may be celebrities who are quickly climbing the ladder of fame, newly elected Popes, too-damn-rich TV hosts, and world leaders. I was not surprised Obama was labeled as the Antichrist, and I am surprised Justin Bieber still hasn't been labelled as someone threatening or peculiar (if he is the fifth teletubby, Tinky Winky will be threatened). 

If Justin Bieber is to be branded by the conspiracy theorists as the Antichrist, then a series of conspiracy theories follows. He would blacklist every anti-Justin Bieber fan page on Facebook. His song "Baby" would probably and apparently contain subliminal message to hypnotize today's youth. Oh no! 

That would be pretty weird, yet pretty convincing. Just look how manly Justin Bieber is. Chuck Norris would be embarrassed before this man. His iron fist terrifies many as he sings the intro for the new and sucky version of "We are the World." 

Then again, Justin Bieber does not know where Germany is, so I doubt the premise once more.

Why do they brand famous people as such. I know a Psychology term used for the paranoia in this context, but I cannot find it in my dusty search engine of a brain. This suggests I should review my major a little. There are a lot of questions bothering my mind. Why is Justin Bieber famous? Does Oprah operate her own religion with Dr. Phil as the head?

And the question that bothers me most: Who would be the fifth member of the Teletubbies?

Practical ways to deal with an annoying classmate

Having problems with a classmate? Worry no more! This blogger, who happens to be one of the leading experts on those kinds of crap, has come up with a few practical ways to deal with an annoying classmate.


Now, it will all depend on how the classmate annoys you. (From now on, we shall call the annoying classmate "Jacques")


Annoying stuff 1: The math teacher asks for the value of x. Your classmate Jacques raises his hand and begins to detail the philosophical background of mathematics and the genealogy of Isaac Newton's chihuahua.

How to deal with crap: Stand up and shout - "Shut up loser, you obviously don't know the answer!" Believe me, your teacher will thank you for it.

Annoying stuff 2: It's a Literature exam, Jacques sits beside you and extends his neck like a freaking giraffe over your paper.

How to deal with crap: Always be prepared for cheating classmates. Get an old fashion magazine and tear a page. Use it as a fake exam paper, so that whenever he leans towards your paper, he sees Katherine Heigl. I assume he is dumb enough to believe that Perez Hilton is the most famous character of Ernest Hemingway. After all, he cheats.

Annoying Stuff 3: You try to impress girls in school with your collection of dead cockroaches, but your classmate Jacques tries to steal the spotlight by bringing his collection of famous people's boogers.

How to deal with crap: Try to prove the authenticity of your collection by letting the girls touch and smell the dead cockroaches. Worry not if Jacques tries to do the same, no one would want to touch and smell people's boogers. I mean, Eeew!

Practical solutions to socio-educational annoyances. Good day. I'm off to class.

She bit me in the ass: A guide to zombie apocalypse survival

Do you believe in the possibility of a zombie apocalypse? I sure do.

Most of you normal people may not have thought of the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. For me, there was never a week I did not sit on a chair and think "Whoa, a zombie attack would be pretty inconvenient" (I really have a hectic schedule). At first, when the walking zombies (I'm looking at you Mia Jovovich) were still dominating the zombie movie industry, I was like "What's up with you, man? You can dance the 'locomotion' in their midst and they still wouldn't get you." Then they created the...wait for it... running zombie!


Would you survive a zombie apocalypse? What should we really do in case of a zombie attack.

I have compiled from all over my brain, (its a pretty wide search engine) things to do in a zombie apocalypse. First, when the crazies on the street start to hang those cardboards of doom over their necks, believe them and give them money for crack. Next, if the news starts to show zombie waves in varying regions in your country, pay attention and do not make love, talk to the telephone or party while the news is running. That is if you don't want to wake up the next morning with dentures sunk on your neck, and a hangover.


The next one is to prepare yourself for the invasion. In classic zombie movies, the whole neighborhood always turns into zombies except you. Being lucky enough to be the protagonist, what should you do? There are two choices: The first one is locking yourself in. Close all windows and doors and reinforce them, for extra protection. The flaw in this plan is that 84% of people who had tried locking themselves in their houses from zombies forget the backdoor.


The second plan is to get your car out of the garage and sweep the neighborhood streets. The flaw in this plan is that you tend to lose diesel, and zombies from gas stations are the most vicious zombies, according to the "What type of capitalist zombie are you" quiz from Facebook. If you ask me, a survivor of two zombie attacks, I would go for the second choice.

And speaking of Facebook, you should always update your status, so do not forget to bring your laptops and secure your mobiles.

        Jack McSurname oMg I jUst cUt oFf a zOmbiE aRm!...! iT's sTilL wRigGliNg iN dA tRunK...

That way you will be able to notify your Facebook friends. That is if they haven't turned into zombies yet. And also, expect that 88 percent of your tweeter followers are now infected, so no one will read your latest tweet anymore:

        jackSpANKME @paris_heeltoe1355 you just bit a chunk off my ass. but I'm okay...thought you should know! damn #zombies!!!


After running away from your neighborhood, find uninfected people. There is power in numbers. You can all find shelter, where you can build a reinforcement and wait for the military to rescue you. Be sure to judge a suitable shelter based on its survival benefits, not because it has an indoor swimming pool, or else you'll be swimming in blood, and probably a zombie lifeguard's blood at that. However, do not be overdependent to your buddies, even if they are man enough to face the horde. I don't care if your new found boyfriend is as manly and brave as Justin Bieber, you can all still get in deep trouble if you do not retain a sense of independence. Having clumsy buddies by your side is actually an advantage. When they trip and become food for the zombies, they buy you time to escape. Remember, there is wisdom in cowardice. Also, be wary of the people you meet. Zombies sometimes pose like the uninfected to attract people, and morons are tastier to them, so be on alert. Resist them, even if one looks like Megan Fox without the half of her face. Remember this: They all look like half-faced Megan Foxes.


Now, good luck finding rescue. If you'll excuse me, I have to pee.

You don't eat chocolate? What are you, Mayan?

Chocolates are one of the best things in the world. If aliens invaded our planet the first thing I will store in my basement is the brown stuff, lots and lots of brown stuff. And when the time comes when they aliens have to disintegrate me, I would lose my atoms happily and at peace (jeez, what a nerd). I am glad I am not one of those allergic to the sweet stuff. It would be like having allergy to oxygen, and that would be like a major hassle.

Chocolates are awesome. It is the most popular flavor in the world. Yes, when TV shows ice cream, it sounds dull, but chocolate ice cream - divine. We also have chocolate cookies, chocolate acne cleanser, chocolate caviar and even chocolate-scented bubblewraps.

However delicious chocolates could be, it should NEVER be given to a girl. Giving chocolates to girls is the most desperate thing a guy can do. Yes, girls find it sweet, and by "it" I mean the chocolate. Giving her chocolate is like resorting to biological means to get her to love you and that is just not right. 84 percent of guys who had "won" their partner's heart end up in divorce. Why is that, you might ask. It is because girls fall in love with the chocolate, not with guy. It is only the sensual feeling they get from chocolates that makes them "fall in love" (Wow, I am really great at dating and romance advice).

The chocolate business is currently a 50 billion dollar industry, mostly because of the geniuses stated above. It is produced by an oligopoly called the "Big Chocolate". 

Behind the divine chocolate taste lies the bitter controversy of massive child labor related to chocolate manufacturing. No, Jack, I am not talking about Charlie and how he owned Willy Wonka's factory. It is a widespread slavery in western Africa, where 10 percent of the total chocolate labor force were kidnapped from their own homes.

And one last tip, and this one is true: Do not feed your pet chocolate. It's toxic to them. Man, they don't know what they're missing.

Ten signs your shrink is crazier than you

(I would use the word "Psychiatrist" if it wasn't too damn long, so please allow me to use the more popular name - shrink. And also, ummmm, this is sarcastic.)


Have you ever been to a shrink? If your answer is yes, that means you have had some issues (which I am not going to meddle with, because I know it's private, and I really don't care.) You have probably been on one of those couches, and while staring at an Edward Cullen poster on the shrink's ceiling (he believes it to be therapeutic), you must have been asked a series of personal questions, relevant to your state of mind, such as "Have you been intimate to a squid for the last forty-eight hours?"


After all those $500 per hour sessions (plus the $600 night club visits if the shrink was not enough), how do you know for sure if the shrink himself is mentally stable to listen to your rants. How do you know if he isn't crazier than thou? These are the ten signs your shrink is crazier than you.


1. "The thigh bone connected to the knee bone" is something he should not say.

2. The biggest certificate on his wall is "Apple County Hotdog Eating Champion."

3. He sells you Sigmund Freud action figures.

4. He always holds a tobacco.

5. His conclusion to all your failed relationships is "He/she must be the Antichrist."

6.  He cancels your shrink session to attend his own shrink session.

7. He calls you "Depression Dude."

8. He has three pictures on his wall: Sigmund Freud, Dr. Phil and Ozzy Osbourne

9. He pays real and genuine attention to your problems.

10. He lets you read my blog.

There's someone outside the car, Jack.

I'm a fan of zombie stuff: zombie books, movies, songs, games, drinks (drinks?). I'm also a fan of the ultimate zombie, George Romero. And though I know how cheesy some of them might be (blah blah blah), hypothetical zombie apocalypse scenarios always excite me. There is just something about the sub-genre that gives me more thrill than other apocalyptic scenarios.

Basically, there are two types of fictional zombies. The first one is the mystical zombie. To clear things out, I'm not a fan of this type of zombie. I'm a fan of the second one, the scientific zombie. Whether be it from a virus, a special rabies case, or a shortage of the latest Robert Pattinson poster (whoever he is), unwary humans will be turned into the most vicious killers. And unlike the "traditional" zombies who walk to the rhythm of Pachelbel's Canon, these modern zombies...run.

Please rate my geekiness, one being the lowest and five the highest.

To finish, I'll leave a small fact: Did you know that the University of Alabama offers a brief course on "The Living Dead in Literature, Film and Culture"? Of course you don't..care.

The thigh bone connected to the knee bone

Doctor. It is the second coolest career ever, next to being in Hollywood (and acting as a doctor.) This is one of the things I want to be after eight years, aside from being a Hollywood star, President of the Philippines, spy for the CIA and/or rock star. I've always wanted to say, "You don't snort the pills Mrs. Doris, you drink them with your mouth" and other significant medical advice.  I also want to be able to distinguish and memorize the different colors of phlegm and say the most famous and respected phrase of doctors worldwide. - "say ahhh" And, how awesome would I look like with that metal thingy around my neck.

Why do I want to be a doctor, seriously? I believe that doctors are one of the most significant people in the world. They save lives, help sick people, and give away tongue depressors. I believe that being a doctor is one of the noblest thing to do, and I want to be included in that group of noble people. Doctors are living evidences that compassion and sympathy still exist in our world, and though none of those words really fit me that well, I still want to be a doctor, because believe it or not, my sarcastic heart also has its soft side (that can also win elections.) Doctors are like French fries, if it didn't exist the world would cease to exist.

But there is one common enemy that threatens doctors. Apples. They keep doctors away. They leave them unemployed. Darn that apple, you can do it to Adam, but you cannot do it to the rest of the doctors.