Why it sucks to be a humor writer (sometimes)

I must be the only writer in the world who doesn't like to write. It is because I have realized that when you mainly write for the internet, you get to the point when you have to think of your article's marketability first before its content. That is why I sometimes end up writing stuff about hating Twilight or Justin Bieber just to please people, though I actually couldn't care less about them.

I hate writing because I cannot write for my own amusement anymore ( no, not thinking of writing erotica bro). You have to learn the latest in internet memes, scandals and all the crap people like so you'll have a marketable content. That is why I join the sentiment of hundreds of other humor writers out there who are sick and tired of having to write about Edward Cullen's buttcheeks and how its too full of glitters and sh*t (yeah, its probably just full of sh*t but so are other buttcheeks). Don't get me wrong. I enjoy writing funny stuff, but sometimes its really just sucks like M Night Shyamalan movies.

I have been a writer since I was 9, but I only started with comedy late 2008-ish. Since then, these are the things I have come to hate.

1. People realize you're not as funny in real life - I mean, have you met me? I probably am the unfunniest person you've ever seen. Lesson number 1: Sarcastic doesn't automatically equate to funny.

2. Some people find you offensive - I have gotten into trouble once for joking about stuff. But I won't tell because you'd probably get offended too.

3. You are compelled to write about Justin Bieber - the internet is a Justin-Bieber-hating world. That is why it has become a rule for comedy writers to hate Justin Bieber as much as possible, at all times necessary.

4. Grammar Nazi - Other writers, especially those who don't really write comedy always pick on your punctuation and grammar and sh*t. Of course grammar is an important tool in writing unless you're writing "I can haz cheezburger" macros. I also admit I'm not quite the person you ask for grammar advice, but it should be admitted that it is always annoying when the grammar nazis correct your grammar in a "I'm a better writer than you and I have read every sh*t Shakespeare had written" attitude. Wow. That was long.

 5. Emergence of Tumblr - I'll tell my reasons later.


I should re-title this to: 5 pathetic reasons why Asher is too lazy to write. Don't worry guys. Okay maybe just worry a little. I just got to pull my sh*t together so I can go back to writing for realz. Lets just say I'm having some personal "issues" with writing and stuff.

Also, is the plural form of Nazi, Nazos?

Annoying Facebook Updates you shoulld kinda stop

Have you seen the internet meme "Annoying Facebook Girl"? If not then...it means you have a better social construct than internet nerds who spend all day before a computer monitor.

Nevertheless, the Annoying Facebook Girl is an entertaining image macro that depicts a typical facebook user whom we all find annoying and irritating. It makes me want to compile all my facebook frustrations on a blog
post.

Don't get me wrong, I don't always use facebook, and I know that other users are free to use it in whatever way it pleases them (except for illegal stuff, of course) but it would be always nicer if other users stop doing annoying things that will lead them to the front page of failbook. My list:

1. You go to Starbucks. 200 new photos of you holding a Mocha Frap. Because that will make you cool and hip.

2. "u think u can do dat to me? you sonofabich! i dont even want you anymore. yeah u know who u are" Because that status makes you look brave and strong.

3. Post philosophical quotes. Post more philosophical quotes. Because you are smart.

4. "oMg, those who disagree that glee is the best tv show are idiotz." because you are confident and persuasive.

5. "oMg" Because you are young and modern.

6. "People Y U Not know internet memes?" Because you know internet memes.

Guys. Please visit my new website, k? bowlship.co.cc

GREEN LANTERN

I just watched Green Lantern an hour ago, and man was it good. I liked how Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively did stuff, and...also the special effects and the green light thingy and the...you know what, i can't make up film bullcrap like my communication arts student friends does, but what I know is I liked it.

What I liked about the movie is that it excites a certain stimulus that enhances my imagination and thought-formation. Pretty deep for a movie not everyone liked eh, but whatever, Roger Ebert.

I have not been writing lately because I have to admit I am short of writing juices in my brain lately (and by lately, I mean more than a month already). It is especially hard for me, a humor writer because I have to deal with followers (whom I appreciate so much, no sarcasm there) and their changing preferences for comedy, fellow writers who always think they're funnier and sh*t, and forum members and moderators who are lonely bastards who only dominate forums 24/7 because that's the closest they can get to actual social interactions (and also always think they're funnier and sh*t because funny is all they have). I also cannot write because most of the time, I'm tired as crap after dissecting alien life forms in the laboratory and computing someone else's IQ.

Yeah, so that's my excuse for not writing very often. I'm sorry. I'm not b**ching about being a writer.

I'm sorry. I know this is a badly written post. I'm really tired. I'm not even going to take a second look here.  I'm gonna bother google search a Green Lantern image though.

Typewriters - iTs bEtTer tH4N thIs

I just heard that recently, the last company that manufactured typewriters just closed. It was the Godrej and Boyce - a factory based in Mumbai, India. I can just imagine the employees standing before metal gates, watching it shut down forever - ala flashback scenes of  Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (I meant the movie. Don't get all hipster on me). A spokesperson, who happened to be one of the employees watching the metal gates shut down forever said in a stereotypical Indian accent "The gates will reopen when the crow turns white, when snow comes to Mumbai, when sand comes to Siberia, when Snooki wins a Pulitzer prize, when Snooki successfully spells Pulitzer, when the epic meal time guy joins PETA, you know I can go on and on with the....wait please let me go on. I don't have a job."

Yesterday, I saw the old family typewriter on the table. In a spin, I was suddenly  an Ophidiophobic professor with a whip and a hat and started brushing the artifact for its archeological significance. That's when I realized a question - when was the last time I used the typewriter?



2001 - a time when kids were embarrassingly playful with WordArt and boastful of  the primitive Wikipedia of that time - Encarta, I was using the typewriter to type such ground breaking essays as "What I did last summer" and "What do I want to be when I grow up". I didn't mind if my homework looked like it was Jack Nicholson's draft on The Shining, whilst my classmates' homework looked like unicorn puke.

It just seemed like yesterday. But that was like 10 years ago. I was 9.

Sometimes, I like using the Courier font. It gives the feeling of nostalgia, when all seemed to be in sepia tone. Many people don't like it. Especially people my age who haven't even had the opportunity to use an actual typewriter. It's weird that the same people aLsO tYpE lIkE diS iN dEr fAcEbUk sTatus.

On a slightly unrelated yet very related note, I think people who easily forget and even shun old technology (or history for that matter) are people who are victims of the darker side of capitalism. They are also the same people who insert the word "like" in between every two words, and are also the same people who think remakes are the original ones. I hate them. But they are the powerful majority that makes up our world. Does that make me a hipster? Slightly.

I like the sound of of a typewriter. It makes me feel like I'm in a World War movie. (Not that the feeling of being in a World War is something to like). I compared it to the sound of my computer keyboard. It makes me feel like in a crappy 90s spy movie where a hacker miraculously breaks into something just by typing extra fast. Makes me remember the last time I used a floppy disk. Believe it or not, it was in 2008.

My Second Humor Blog!

It's up. The second one! Please visit bowlship.blogspot.com and support the site.

Wait, no. I ain't ditching asherwrites. I love this blog. It's more personal. That is why if you don't mind, I'd like to ask for support for two of my blogs.

Thank you very much

Once again, here is the link. Make sure to visit:
bowlship.blogspot.com

HEY! I STILL EXIST!

Hi! I'm sorry. Things had been terribly hectic at school. At least I'm on my way to becoming a psychologist/psychiatrist/neuroscientist/supervillain. Anyways, I am going to create a new website dedicated to satire. Please check it out. I'm going to post the link as soon as I can.Thanks! :)

So Long, Long Hair, So Long!

For the past few days I've been having fever. And the worst part is it was on the night of my birthday that the fever started. It kept on for a couple of days, the fever swelling through my neck. Then one day my mom told me something that would change my life forever (or for the rest of the semester).

"You need to have your hair cut."

It seemed like time and space contradicted each other and I was drawn into the resulting black hole from the collapse of the laws of physics. It seemed like all religious foundations in which nations all over the world had been found had come into total discrepancy. It seemed like the mores and norms, the taboos and folkways of the modern mainstream societies had vanished, causing our world to go back to barbarism and pillaging. In other words:

I didn't want to have the haircut.

"What does it have to do with my fever?" I questioned

"Well, you look more sick with that type of hairdo. And also it looks...itchy."

"It's ugly?"

"Yeah. It's ugly."

Mom was not the first person to hate my do. Mom would be a part of the army of millions dedicated to convincing Asher to have his hair shortened. Mentioning a few members of the said army would be siblings, classmates, professors, friends, and church mates. They had formed a fellowship that aims for the reduction of the follicular production on my head.

Their day of victory has finally come.

I had my haircut last Saturday evening. And I did not have any regrets.

There was a reason I sported a long do. I wanted to at least separate myself from the bland oatmeal that was my school, where everyone needed to conform with everything, from the type of music to the fashion statement to the general opinion on the significance of Snooki's chest cramps to environmentalism. I wanted to be a little bit different. I wanted to be dissimilar.

I guess that college phase really had to end some time.

I now have short hair. Well, actually it's not very short, but I think I'll keep this for the remainder of my college days. I will sure miss the hair that, as Willow Smith puts it, may be whipped back and forth.


*photo was google searched

Over-reviewing sucks!

I hate this day. I spent the whole night last night reviewing for a quiz that involves cranial and spinal nerves. Then, the day for the quiz came, I ate my breakfast and lunch, drank milk, and ate a banana, to energize myself with starch. Finally, the hour of judgement came, and lo, I was judged most tremendously.


Questions. No, interrogations chewed me up the very moment I glanced upon the test paper, and all that was on my mind was "I knew I read this, I friggin' read this somewhere in the book. I even saw a GIF animation of it on the internet, but I cannot remember the name of these hanging things below the pointy thing." After the quiz, I reminisced on the valuable evening I spent  shoving notes down my nasal cavity. I cursed the memory, together with the banana and its freaking starch.

 Maybe I over-reviewed, which is something I usually do whenever the Hale-Bopp comet passes by our planet. I experienced perhaps what laymen call the "mental block". Whatever happened gave disappointment that brought about this thought: What if instead of reviewing the functions of the oculomotor nerve last night, I reviewed more important, significant things, like:


1. Zombie Apocalypse Cosmetology:The science of applying make-up on yourself so that you can pretend to be a zombie and the undead won't lay a finger on you.
2. Internet Marketing Strategies: The proper way of spamming Facebook walls and forums.
3. Popular Adolescent Literary Creations: Writing the next "Twilight".


Now these topics might have given me much more benefit than knowing about preganglionic neurons. But no, I gave up on these significant subjects to give time to remember what the hanging things below the pointy thing were called. And the sad thing was, I remembered it seconds after I passed my paper. Cauda Equina! I knew it sounded something like Megan Fox...or not. 

Pretentious Douchebags!!!

We all know one. We all hate one.

Pretentious douchebags - the worst of all the douchebags (before this would be the Starbucks douchebags). Philosophers the world over contemplates on their existence. Statisticians worry on their increasing population. The military plans on their eradication, and bloggers...well.. bloggers rant on why one is sitting right next to them (good job breaking the rhyme).

How do we exactly detect and categorize one to be included in this group. While some might say the definition of a "pretentious douchebag" is subjective, I think most will agree with what I will list below. (For the sake of my fragile, china porcelain fingers, I shall refer to Pretentious Douchebags as "PD").

PD # 1 - Gadget PDs
That's right. The scum of the technological world. Their script: "I bought 3 IPads from the mall and threw it out of the window, for no reason. While I upload some new pics of me and my cat on my 84 websites and social networking profiles, I'll just play some sex-themed music on my monster D-Bag 2000 Stereo Surround Sound Stereo while I send a tweet to my 7 followers" 


The girlfriend-less scum portrays all their majestic douchebaggery to compensate for the fact that they can never talk to a woman in a bar, and that they never go to bars.


PD# 2 - The Big Words PDs
They sound like Noah Webster being forced to eat page after page of his newly edited dictionary. Their script: "My neurotransmitters are situated as echelons while I divulge to my audience what my cognitive processes mainly focuses on at the moment, the quintessence of my mind: my speech. Also, what I just said did not make sense and I just wanted to impress a dozen of other PDs."


Seriously, what's up with the heavy words? No one thinks your cool, no one thinks you will ever be cool. Whatever you do in life, you will never, ever be cool. That is why you have to stop using those words.


PD# 3 - The Newly-Elected PDs
Somehow, these PDs got elected or appointed in some sort of office. That is why their PD meter grows exponentially high. Their script: "As the newly elected undersecretary of the undersecretary of the Society for the Appreciation of the Yellowness of Mustard, I would like to say, I deserve this so much, and you did the right thing of electing me. Now, I shall officially start ignoring you because I am now formally and on legal documents considered "better than you".


Believe me. I know a lot of these PDs. Those people who suddenly become your BFFs because they see you as one big walking ballot for various beauty contests or elections and ignore you when they win.


Okay, I'm gonna end it here.

So, aside from what I have listed here, what other PDs can you think of? Place it on the comment section below.


(got the photo from photobucket)

What smoking actually looks like

(Again, I do not intend to offend smokers. I got friends who are smokers. This is a sarcastic, satirical criticism on the habit, not on the smoker. Yeah, but still...)

I have recently discovered some facts that may possibly not surprise a lot of you people (so much for an opening). It's about smoking.  It is the deadliest habit in the world. Apparently it accounts for 5 million deaths a year, according to WHO. This also makes the vice the second deadliest thing ever seen in our planet, coming close to nuclear wedgie. These facts are indeed frightening. That is why we tend to ask why a lot of people still do it.

I know why. It is because it is almost a religion, focusing on its most valued verse: Smoking is Kewl!

You see, smoking has been repeatedly advertised as the ultimate cool thing.

Let me show you a simple scenario:
Jack smokes in the alley, a beautiful woman passes by. This is what Jack thinks the woman thinks when she sees him: "Ohhhh, how noble and erect this young man is? That cigarette he wields is as the swords of a million shining knights. And the smell, oh the smell. If Utopia had air conditioning, this would be the exact ecstatic scent. Blow unto my face, young lad"


But then again, all of this is delusion. This is what smoking actually looks like. This is what the beautiful woman actually thinks: Oh crap, another one who thinks smoking is cool. Not only is it not cool, it's also very 1980s. I mean, really? And the smell, don't mention the smell. Its like halitosis and Diarrhea made out and had babies.


Guys, its not too late to quit. I have found a wikihow article on how to quit smoking that might help a lot.


Its not too late to see that it's not cool either. See, Darth Vader does not smoke. Mr. T does not smoke. I do not smoke. Non-smoking is the new heavy metal. And I have also heard somewhere that smoking may be related to erectile dysfunction. If limp is the new cool then I say go do whatever you want.

If you still believe smoking is "cool", let this be an eye opener:

Damn right, Robert Pattinson smokes.